Feb 20

Tears of gold


I try to remember life
Before it happened
And my mind comes up empty
Everything was a blur
Only fragments that I heard piecing back together the image in my head
A smile like cresent moon slashing though a dark night sky
A smile that I had learned to be hell bent against
For what she did
For what you don’t know
For the secrets we keep

I try to picture happiness
As if it was ever a thing
But when you put your arm around her and smiled like she was the sun on a rainy day
My shattered pieces turned to dust
And evaporated in the dry land inside me
The night before
I cried so hard my eyes hurt all that next day
I didn’t think I would ever see the light again

I try to think of what you see
In me
In her
In the looks you get
But when I tried and tried and tried to hold back my tears
Everyone converged on me
Asking the question I didn’t know the answer to
“Are you okay?”
“What happened?”
“Can I do anything to help?”
So I keep my mask up
I smile and say
“I’m fine.”
When I know I’m not
When they know I’m
Not

I try to wonder what made you do it
Walk up to me in my gaggle of friends
I cannot fathom what made you ask me If I was ok
And If I wanted to be friends
Because when you asked me it was so different then everyone else
And that’s what made me say "Okay."
Even though now I don’t want you to think I am ok
Because I’m not
And it feels as though I will never be

I try to predict when all this pain will be over
Because this pain is worse
It is deeper
It echoes within my rib cage and reverberates in my skull
A shadow of my doubts and past that I thought I locked away
And this was the key
Now they run loose in my head
Whispering promises that I am scared to keep
Because I am afraid to break again
Yet again

I try to find the reason my stars twinkle so bright
Guiding my way and turning my tears to gold
So far away
And yet I can still see them shining
They let me escape for a little
Laugh a little
Run and run and run from the deepening home inside me
Because everything is turning upside down
Colors are jumbled
Darkness swirls with light
And I feel as though I am slipping
Slipping down this pit we’re I can never escape
Where I watch her ruin my life from a television screen
Over and over and over again
Like she has so many times

I try to make sense if your kindness
How you turn a frown to a smile
And I wonder how I can get over you
Find someone new
Someone maybe not as
Extraordinary
So I won’t melt
And fall down to the depths of hell
Where maybe I belong
Someone who understands what I’m going through
Someone who makes me
Laugh
Cry
Sing
Scream
Jump
Fall
Live
Die
And I used to think that you were that person
And I can never again
About the Author: Forever young
"we have to teach our girls that they can reach as high as humanly possible."
Beyonce
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