Feb 21
Entong Wang's picture

I Used Wanted To Leave The World

Life is charming, shedding its rays on others, but not on me. My heart was a castle burring treasures, but it had a gate crawling with thorns that blocks all who wants to find it. My treasures wanted to get rid of my restraint; they wanted to be seen and praised by others, but I wouldn’t let it. I was so sick of the world.

When I was a kid, I thought I was born unusually. People all have dreamed that they are the protagonists of the world, and I was one of them. I believed that all of the problems would finally be solved no matter I put in efforts or not. I thought God loves me, so my life should be plain sailing. However, life is never that easy. My childhood was full of love and fairytales, so I never got to know the world is cruel. When I realized the truth, I lost all the qualities of being a protagonist. I was no longer strong, tough, and confident. I knew I’m not living on a wonderland. I knew it’s time to grow up.

I started to work hard, spending all of my time studying. I thought being successful is the meaning of happiness, but I didn’t know how to achieve it, and I didn't even have goals. The only thing I knew was getting good grades in all of my classes. The more I got into my “goals”, the more I felt lonely. I no longer open myself to people, and I no longer have close friends. I thought it was fine to be different than others, but I ignored that I’m just a normal person, I’m not unbreakable. When I put in so much effort but I couldn’t even touch the feet of others, I was crushed. At that moment, I wanted to be comforted. I pulled out my phone; then, I realized I had no one to call. I talked to my families, and the only feedback I got is “I believe you can make it”. I knew I couldn’t, because I tried. The only thing I wanted is to hear them saying, “it’s fine if you’re not going to make it”. The wishes from my families pushed me into a deeper abyss. I was always questioning myself why I couldn’t do better than others, and I never found a way out. I was tired of living in the shadow. Loneliness and darkness were killing me. I lost my direction, and I couldn’t see my future. I was alive outside but dying inside.

I used wanted to leave the world, leaving all of my questions to people who read the news about me. But I’m still breathing because I want to hear someone telling me I’m worth to be loved even though I’m not perfect. I’m a star made by paper, but I’m waiting for someone softly put me in a milky way, light me up so I could shine. I’m waiting for serendipity.
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About the Author: Entong Wang
Entong Wang
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