Feb 29

Memories

Silence
holds
a thousand words.
The way
that your gaze
is anywhere but on me.
Your fingers tap
tap
tap
on the table.
The clock ticks on the wall.
You could cut
the tension
with a knife.
I can feel
you pulling away.
I try
harder
to get it right,
this strange dance
that I always mess up.

You are the one to break my trance.
What's wrong?
What's wrong?
Everything.
Black and white
are making grey.
And your walls
are getting thicker.
How do I explain
everything in my head?
All the stuff I can hear
that I don't want to?
Hatred.
Anger.
Jealousy.
Where's the light?
Where's the hope?
Why am I wrong?
Why can't I be right
for once in my life?
Finally
you look at me.
My messy hair
and dark eyes.
Pale skin
and the 'tired'
that mars my face.
I can see
when you learn
how incorrect I am.

You can see it.
The crack in my brain
that lets the dark in
that grows wider
every
day.
The door that's shut
and locked,
and the key thrown away.
You see my sleepless nights
and long days.
The torn paper
covering my floor
and the writing on my arms.
You are gone.
No longer there.
Memories are filling your head.
Just like they inhabit mine.

The first time
when I pretended
I wasn't terrified,
being the new kid
in a big school,
overshadowed within ten seconds.
I grew up in a matter of days,
as I realized
I felt loneliest when I was surrounded
by people.
And you didn't see it.
I loved you for it,
but never said a word.
I couldn't.
Still can't.

Somewhere in the middle
when I drifted away.
I had aged a lifetime
in two years.
You stopped caring
and I stopped feeling.
I was never first for you.
I doubt I ever will be.
How could I be
when I've always made
others happy,
even though I was always hurting?

At the end
when things reached now.
I am a ticking
time bomb.
And you are scared of me.

You turn away first
from my unblinking gaze.
Too intense.
Too real.
Not fake enough.
You are leaving
while I am drowning.
Where is the life ring when you need it?
Are you going to let me drown?
Will you really let me go?
Or is it me?
Did I sever the strings
that were holding us together?
Did I seem so uninterested
that you want to stop seeing
how much I need help right now?
Turn a blind eye.
Everyone does.
Why did I ever think,
that I was deserving of love?