i have been here for a little over two weeks.
i have slept in this bed, in these sheets
i have walked among people i do not know
i have eaten in places i still find unfamiliar
it's disjointed.
when i come back from a weekend at home -
it hits me as i leave the car. the tears.
the fact i am no longer just at "home".
that i have somewhere else to go, now, too.
it's sad. it's terrifying. it's strange.
i want to be home, so so badly.
i want to wake up late, go downstairs, get coffee
and then start my day.
now, though, i get up in an uncomfortable bed
and hope my roommate is awake
make that coffee in a keurig that isn't mine
get onto my computer for some early-morning calculus.
there's no breezy field just beside me, no
no dogs barking and competing for my affection, no
no cat waiting outside my door to scream at my face, no
none of my siblings, neither my mother or my father
waiting for me there.
i am alone. i am somewhere new.
i've signed up for loans i don't know if i can repay.
i have limited things, they won't just restock at the end of the week if i run out.
i have responsibilities, now, classes to go to.
sure, i've been dealing with that for twelve years
but now, but now, i'm away from people
i grew up with.
there's little familiarity here.
i know my roommate. some of my friends.
but not really anyone else.
there is also, of course,
the virus, here, that
i don't doubt will shut us down
for i don't think we should've opened in the first place
i think we should've stayed online, the majority of my classes are online, anyway
but still, here i am, away from home and all i know
to study for a degree i don't even know that i want.
to be, possibly, at the mercy of a virus already on campus
to become an adult when i don't believe i had enough time to be a child
to become my own person, away from my siblings.
i don't know what to do.
i have slept in this bed, in these sheets
i have walked among people i do not know
i have eaten in places i still find unfamiliar
it's disjointed.
when i come back from a weekend at home -
it hits me as i leave the car. the tears.
the fact i am no longer just at "home".
that i have somewhere else to go, now, too.
it's sad. it's terrifying. it's strange.
i want to be home, so so badly.
i want to wake up late, go downstairs, get coffee
and then start my day.
now, though, i get up in an uncomfortable bed
and hope my roommate is awake
make that coffee in a keurig that isn't mine
get onto my computer for some early-morning calculus.
there's no breezy field just beside me, no
no dogs barking and competing for my affection, no
no cat waiting outside my door to scream at my face, no
none of my siblings, neither my mother or my father
waiting for me there.
i am alone. i am somewhere new.
i've signed up for loans i don't know if i can repay.
i have limited things, they won't just restock at the end of the week if i run out.
i have responsibilities, now, classes to go to.
sure, i've been dealing with that for twelve years
but now, but now, i'm away from people
i grew up with.
there's little familiarity here.
i know my roommate. some of my friends.
but not really anyone else.
there is also, of course,
the virus, here, that
i don't doubt will shut us down
for i don't think we should've opened in the first place
i think we should've stayed online, the majority of my classes are online, anyway
but still, here i am, away from home and all i know
to study for a degree i don't even know that i want.
to be, possibly, at the mercy of a virus already on campus
to become an adult when i don't believe i had enough time to be a child
to become my own person, away from my siblings.
i don't know what to do.
- Abriatis's blog
- Sprout
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Sep 01, 2020
Abriatis, your appraisal of this huge leap in your life is bone honest and deeply relatable. Thank you for feeling so at home at YWP that you shared it with us. You might not realize it now, but so, so many people have experienced – and are experiencing – the same strangeness as you are right now. Change is hard, especially in a pandemic. Give yourself a break. Take the time it takes to adjust. We're here for you and wishing you the best!