Sep 02


i blend in.

i'm just another student. one with classes, with food, with a laptop, with things to do.
with friends.
we move in a bubble, all of us, together.

or perhaps we're separated,
walking alone, but that's fine.
there's always people around.

i blend in.

i'm just another blond, blue-eyed freshman
perhaps the only thing that sets me apart is honors
or maybe it's not at all.

i make my way to my one in person class three times a week
and the rest, the rest
they're online. i turn on my laptop and there i go.

i blend in.

i am not the only one somewhere new. doing something new,
in circumstances long-predicted and easily avoidable.
and perhaps that's okay.

i've lost most interest in my usual hobbies;
watching youtube feels like i'm lazy,
writing feels like a waste of time.

maybe i don't blend in.

i write, liberally, enough to where my hands hurt
after the third or fourth page
if i manage to stand still that long.

and then i remember that this
is a school full of music students
and that there is no way i am the only one hurting like this.

maybe i don't.

i am no music student.
i'm here to study people's minds
when i don't feel like mine works fully.

no thoughts stick in my head; i thought i was alone
until yesterday, when my friend lilia just went

maybe i.

i'll watch shows, but i
need to be mindful of the volume; my roommate
hardly ever leaves the room.

perhaps i resent her for that. i don't feel ever truly alone.
and that is something i wish for, so
so much.


i am afraid to be alone. i ramble. i do not keep a topic for an entire piece.
i fear that when i start writing essays,
i will spiral and spiral into things that weren't even the subject.

when i speak, i lose my train of thought. there is no train of thought.
no thoughts. my head, feels empty, feels quiet,
only music helping, or full silence.