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Sep 04
poem
Abriatis

the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

for the longest time, i struggled with myself.
i was always afraid. of almost everything.
i hid my fear with a loud attitude, with loud words
and actions that even i didn't understand.

i absorbed things like a sponge,
making them me. i picked up
others' interests like they were
all i had.

i didn't know who i was. still, i hardly do.
but that's enough for me to pinpoint what i lack.

i am the oldest child. while i was loud, my siblings were louder.
they got the praise.
i'm the honors student. while i did good, my siblings did better.
they got the kudos.

i had friends. while i wanted to go to parties, my siblings could.
they got to go.
i had wants. while i wanted to be seen, my siblings were.
they were mini-mes.

i told my father all this. everything. how i felt seconded, thirded, fourthed to
my sisters and my brother, and i remember his face, then.
i remember the slight smile there, the sad eyes,  his voice.
"the squeaky wheel gets the grease, eh?"

i hated it. i hated how he said it.
i still do. i look back on it, on the scene
me, made to drive, about to take my driving test for the second time
crying, sobbing the whole way.

i remember, growing up, how much i wanted people to notice me
and acknowledge me for being a person, not for being an older sister.
i limped. the skin of my heel, ripped away, the skin bleeding into my sock.
layers down until the skin was pink. i remember how it felt.

i hated it, but maybe someone would ask me what was wrong.
maybe, maybe someone would take me seriously.
no one. i had no second glances.
not even during gym as i lagged behind. it was so, so painful.

i'm in college, now. i'm almost an adult. a week and then i'll be.
and yet, i still struggle with wanting to be seen. here, i'm just a nameless face.
i go to the dining halls, i go to class, day in, day out, in the middle of a pandemic.
and all i want to do is go home and be told i'm doing a good job.

i replay those few moments of praise.
being up in front of people, reading a poem that i wrote but didn't believe in.
walking from the van after graduation, my dad telling me he was proud of me.
yet, i look back, and they seem like nothing. maybe they are.

i sob. thinking of those times where i was singled out for things
that i didn't think were that much, but everyone else thought they were.
i didn't think i'd graduate. i didn't mean to.
i didn't think i'd speak my own words to a crowd.

i vividly remember bursting into tears after reading it.
i'd seen someone who had, maybe for the first time,
asked me if i was alright, i think. and i couldn't handle it.
i thought myself a coward.

even now, i look back and wish i had done more to stand out.
to have done more things to get a "good job, rowan!"
or something along those lines.
i'm sure i'll have more opportunities in the future, but

it will all be tinged bitter-sweet.
  • Abriatis's blog
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Posted: 09.04.20
About the Author: Abriatis
"i'm me, nothing more, nothing less! i'm me!" - shinji ikari
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Discussion

Comments

  1. Alessandra G.
    Sep 04, 2020

    I love this. I particularly love the line about being singled out for something that you didn't necessarily feel the same way about. It demonstrates a contrast between "silent suffering" in a way, and this new recognition. It is beautiful and raw and something I resonate with.

    Alessandra Giragos

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  1. Abriatis
    Sep 04, 2020

    isn't it terrible? and everyone is so happy for you for something you didn't even think was that good. and then you need to pretend because you can't let them down. it's terrible, really.

    im glad you like it. it's a product of almost thirteen-ish years of being an older sibling to three younger ones. sometimes i wish i was an only child, but that has its own can of worms.

    "i'm me, nothing more, nothing less! i'm me!" - shinji ikari

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  1. Alessandra G.
    Sep 04, 2020

    Yes, absolutely. It is painful when you can't seem to believe in yourself even when others do. It can be overwhelming, and you were able to get that across in this poem! Wow, three younger siblings I'm sure can be crazy at times. But it is a great thing that you are able to use your experiences to fuel your writing!

    Alessandra Giragos

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  1. Abriatis
    Sep 04, 2020

    it's very hard for me to see myself as anything but a husk, so people believing me is always very strange, but i'm glad i was able to make it work here. yeah, three siblings are a lot, the house is always loud; but now that im in uni, everything is so much quieter and i love it so. while i hope my siblings are doing well, i can't help but be jealous of them for getting what i couldn't. and maybe that's alright. the world isn't fair and i shouldn't expect it to be.

    "i'm me, nothing more, nothing less! i'm me!" - shinji ikari

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  1. Alessandra G.
    Sep 04, 2020

    I totally understand this struggle. But you certainly have a skill in writing, and this vulnerability to these feelings you encounter may help you and others to grow into being more confident in yourself. We are given time grow, and you have a whole future ahead of you :) I am glad you are enjoying uni, and are documenting your experiences there. Stay safe!

    Alessandra Giragos

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  1. Abriatis
    Sep 04, 2020

    thanks, man. you too! it'll all be alright eventually.

    "i'm me, nothing more, nothing less! i'm me!" - shinji ikari

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  1. Alessandra G.
    Sep 04, 2020

    Thank you, and yess

    Alessandra Giragos

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  1. Crescent_Moon
    Sep 04, 2020

    This poem is just so amazing! I felt like I was seeing into your life, your words really told the story. I can feel and hear the emotions and I relate to them. This is an exceptional poem!

    "You don’t have to understand things for them to be.”
    — Madeleine L’Engle

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  1. Abriatis
    Sep 04, 2020

    thank you so much. i'm saddened that you can relate - i wish this was just a me thing for the sole fact i wouldn't wish it on anyone else, but that's not the case. i hope you're doing okay, please don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

    "i'm me, nothing more, nothing less! i'm me!" - shinji ikari

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