Oct 12

Happy

Yes you have schoolwork and sports practice, but your brother is so tired from school, you have to do the laundry and dishes and walk the dog on your own. But there's no time-. And make sure to play a game with him later, he misses you. You’re always off doing something, you never have time for him anymore. Hey, where’s the happy girl I know? When Henry tickles you make him stop, but never raise your voice to your father. You love him, and he'll think otherwise if make make him stop. It's not your place. You have to show Henry that you're healing. That you're happy.

You call this a birthday card? How will they know they are loved if you don’t write more than last year. At breakfast make small talk, make them laugh. At lunch prepare the food and clean up the dishes. At dinner stay awake and participate in conversation. Why aren’t you smiling? Where’s the happy girl I know? You can’t leave the table yet, we aren’t done eating. I know you miss Dad, but if he sees you crying it will hurt him. You must help him, hold him, but it’s not his job to hold you. You’re older. He doesn’t love you, you’re never there for him. He doesn’t hold you. But you have to keep going as his older sister. I’m so alone- Hey, where’s my happy girl? Why are you in my head? Henry and Chiara would never say such cruel things.

They don’t have to. You think I come from thin air? I am the unspoken agreement, the silence that hangs in the air when you say you want to go to your room and read alone, have a moment for you.

You have to be better, always be there for them. When your own mother comes to you complaining about your father, and you find yourself defending him in fear of them both. When your younger siblings want to play you have to find the energy, have the energy, lead them. I, I can’t. I’m so tired. Yes, well I am too. I work so hard for you, and you can’t even pay attention to your younger brother. You can’t even do your job?

Go watch that god awful show with him. He needs you. I need you. Jason needs you. Go hug him, he feels so bad when you don’t want to hold him. When you’re uncomfortable, it hurts him. Stop hurting him. Stop hurting me. I’m not asking too much of you, you can do it. You’re my happy girl, I know you can.

Mom? You’re the voice in my head? 

Who else? When will you learn it doesn’t matter how you feel?