i wish so badly to be 
ethereal 
a specific type of beauty 
defined by silk sheets 
and a mysterious expression
but instead i am 
waking up with bloody noses 
and forgetting to put the caps 
back on tubes of tooth paste 
and the place in my tongue 
that used to be laced with gold 
is now covered 
in scribbled calculus 
notes 
that i spit out 
along with a question as to where 
you parked the car 
and you are telling me 
to trust you 
and I am saying that 
i have trusted no one 
since a branch broke under my feet 
and i fell to the ground 
and you are saying 
please go to sleep 
and I am saying that the color 
of room is no longer 
beautiful
and you are saying lovely things 
and I am getting 
the paint cans