Jun 26
Maria's picture

Want in Time

I used to roll my eyes 
And joke about what a lie
Relationships lead
And to ever concede to the emotion
Would only implicate someone weak
But that was before
I knew the change brought about in a single week
An hour really
One that turned into two
And a few 
How simple it is to fall
And how joyous it is to smile
For no reason
Just thinking
The chemicals flooding my system 
Convince me to unarm my kingdom 
The one fully equipped 
To shoot down any impediment threat
Only later would I learn what a mistake
It was to unlock the gates
To relinquish the guards
And for once open my heart
I know now that falling is only fun
When youre falling with someone
When acted on alone
Pain sears through your every bone
And the unwavering self esteem
The one you thought would never leave
Is no longer fueled by the dopamine 
What to do, you ask
Finally, It is logic that presents
Making you resent 
feeling
Anything
At all
Praying to go back to the way it used to be
Before I knew that love is not a game
Before I had the chance to take it all back
And to hide it all away
I used to think the premise of romance
Is nothing more than collision at a dangerous impasse
Brought about by reckless decisions
Burned by the argument over who the real victim is
Now I know I was not entirely wrong
It ends
Inevitably so 
But it ends in due time
Ends for a purpose
And you begin again.
I know now that I was not mistaken to fall,
As I am not mistaken to withdraw
But to fear an end 
So much so that you never give in 
Works against you
Divides you in two 
And leaves you with a distrust
Settling in the middle of your gut
To waste away
To feel numb until your very last day
I know now what I feigned knowing then
To disguise my pain
In such a way that it blended in
-to my skin
I confess
Now
When I feel an unbearable mess,
With tears streaming down my face
In silent cascades
That all I wanted was to be wanted 
Now all I want is to be wanted
-back.