Jul 03

Storm Warning

(meant to be read out loud) 

It came when I didn't expect it, and it cried 
Like a child, it screamed longer than it should've 
and I couldn't ignore it, nobody could
Radiowaves crackled in a painful way this time,
like lies that hurt and that you can't ignore 
it blared an alarm like all my past mistakes 
saying pay attention, don't make the same mistake again 
My fingers hit the volume first 
turned it down, then turned it up when the never ending siren ended
Like a bell chime through fog, there for hours and then 
A quiet voice whispered in my ear 
Run, hide, the storm inside of you draws near 
I wish i could've called a friend 
And held a hand and held up my head 
but instead 
I bit my lip and looked away 
through the window at the rain 
I realize now that I was riding in a car heading north 
And that the sound was just the radio
It's as simple as that
And yet, in that moment, the moment when the warning came 
I couldn't look away 
couldn't ignore the fear that burned inside me 
Igniting flames that didn't used to be there 
and somehow now I can't ignore the rain when it comes 
The thunder makes me scared 
I feel like a child, trapped and looking for a way out 
my own mind closing around me as I make excuses and say it's only rain and I say that I am fine 
even as I panic inside, a part of me drowning 
And I 
And then I remember that it's just a storm
And that I don't need to be scared - I didn't used to be
So why am I now?
Why does my vision switch to a tunnel, the corners swirling, disappearing 
and why is it just... fear? My heart seems to compress 
and my lungs turn inward and start to run as my seatbelt ties me to my seat 
as we drive down the highway and then the siren comes again 
signailing the end, but it lasts too long, the beeeeeep too loud 
like someone I'd prefer to shut out but can't, it's spitting on my face and I feel it through a mask of calm 
I am trapped
​and I turn the volume down again 

It was just a storm warning.