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Aug 13
essay
infinitelyinfinite3

Insecure

I turn fifteen in exactly sixteen days. That, in and of itself, is terrifying. Difficult to explain, really, but I am a writer — that is my job — to explain, to entertain, to engage. And so, here I stand, holding my innermost pains out to you all. 

I may not be able to walk through those doors and breathe as I should — I have no conscience when it comes to my own heart, and so it may explode, painting my bones with dark blood — blue, until it spills out of me — just as I learned in school. I could not think of a better platform to express my fear, and so I have relocated my entire being to this website — packed up and left my bedroom and stored my soul in the curving edges of words — the slopes and curls and shelter I reach for in-between them. 

I am not ready to face my own demise — I am not ready to step through the doors of my new school and call myself a "High School Student" (all capitals, because this is important) yet. I am not prepared for the benign smiles, the lingering looks, the disdain of upperclassmen that will surely come, based upon being thrust into the fray at the bottom, and also with my own reputation. My mother says in return to that, that in some ways, high school is a chance to reinvent yourself, to begin again. I don't disagree, but how can I, truly, tell the world that I feel like this, that I look like this, that I live like this, without their own old, stained memories of me clouding their judgment? 

Mom says they aren't paying attention to my plight, and shan't. I tell her that teenagers balance on strings of candy floss, strung together with spite. My head quotes scientific studies at me — forty percent of all of our memories are incorrect. My heart retaliates with the other sixty. 

I've been waiting for a chance, I suppose, to disregard my anxiety — it isn't new, after all. My head was the same, in the summer at the end of my fourth-grade year. I assure you, however, that my reaction to a new environment was less ... poetic. Diplomatic, if you will allow me the pretense. I applaud you all, those who have been through their first year and beyond, for your dedication. I also remind you that intelligence is not measured by the grades you receive, and to not be hard on yourself when you are beaten by those who should not have. Everyone is good at something, and writers do not have a talent for patience. They do, however, have a knack for procrastination, so don't forget to congratulate yourself. After you water those plants, sweep that floor. ;) I'm still finding my place, and I don't know if I have quite yet, but I'm trying. I'm still trying. 

Oh, yeah, and I'm still kind of terrified of the prospect of driving and dating?? I get my license in not even three months and I've got a boy I'd love to take out, though I am exceptionally shy when it comes to that sort of thing. Send help. 

-Infinite
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Posted: 08.13.21
About the Author: infinitelyinfinite3
Brown person, LGBTQIA+ member, overthinker, and book and music lover. I am not afraid of the Oxford comma, and you shouldn't be, either. ;)
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Discussion

Comments

  1. Geri
    Aug 16, 2021

    I really relate to this. It's so jarring when people call me a freshman, like I don't feel ready to be in High School at all

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  1. amaryllis
    Aug 20, 2021

    I didn't know exactly what helped looked like, so I'm sending luck instead! I tried to reinvent myself in high school-- it was hard, and ultimately unsuccessful. My best advice: you choose to be happy. As a senior this year, I led freshman orientation and for whatever reason they all thought high school was full of demonic smart cool teenagers. I can't speak for your high school, but in general, people want to be nice. I hope you find your happiness in hs, both from outside and within. :)

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  1. Stargirl
    Sep 20, 2021

    Hey, you got this! I turned 15 a few moths ago and I can honestly say, it's a number that is kinda magical. A lot of things are going to happen, both good and interesting. And High School-- It's not your demise. But it's not a new beginning either. It just IS. High School is a chance to grow yourself, to blossom and bloom and flourish. Walk with your head up. Stay yourself and ignore the people who try to change you. You're going to get looks, but only because unlike everyone else, you walk with your head held high. There are going to be words circulating, but words are what you're good at! See, here's the nice thing about being a writer in high school--writers are shameless people. We can say anything we want, and others will call it creative. With luck you'll get an english teacher who appreciates your realism. Is that a word? I guess it is now lol.
    So
    Head up
    HIGH
    Stay strong in yourself
    and take High School by storm
    You got this my friend
    ;)

    ( I think I made you up inside my head )

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  1. infinitelyinfinite3
    Sep 20, 2021

    Ahh! Thank you. You are truly the best.

    Brown person, LGBTQIA+ member, overthinker, and book and music lover.
    I am not afraid of the Oxford comma, and you shouldn't be, either. ;)

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