i close my eyes and i’m taken back 

to monday, october 7th

to the sound of a phone call 

i’m suffocating

fright fills my lungs

i breathe in, breathe out

close my eyes 

but you’re not there 

when the blur clears 

where are you, i cry out in my mind

where are you? 

but daddy’s voice is grey and aunt’s face is sad 

as she holds the phone and looks at us,

and she blinks

too many times

too fast 

where are you? 

we stand in the fluorescent light, i feel my world spin

and crash

just like the cars 

on heineberg road 

my aunt looks at her phone, just like the girl in the car

behind you did    

but she is hoping for good news, 

what was the girl doing?
if i close my eyes and go back to that night 

the hallways are flush with colorful artwork, 

but they seem bleached as we leave

we pass into the darkness, aunt can cry now 

she doesn’t show, but i can hear 

i try not to think 

that this car

could change a life

as i sit in the dark.

for the first time in a long time, 

i find my brother’s hand

and we hold

we don’t hit

where are you? 

aunt tries to make us eat

but i can’t

not in this terrible time

aunt puts us to bed

to sleep, she says

but i can’t

where are you?

when i shut my eyes and the world goes dark 

i remember 

the darkness that followed

monday, october 7th 

you lay in bed, and you smile, but it is brittle 

i am only seven, but

i see the pain in your eyes

little do you know it will be everlasting. 

they are not the eyes i once knew 

where are you? 

no more noise, not even joyous ones 

i can’t laugh anyway

i take the bus to first grade now

and mrs. nancy 

knows not to look for my mother, 

waving at the door.

where are you? 

the boys and i eat dinner 

with dad 

you eat 

with your pain. 

where are you? 

what is it like 

for your mind to wage war against itself? 

for one moment

for one stupid girl 

to latch onto you forever? 

what is it like 

for the doctors

to shake their heads

and say,  

“this is your life now”?

what is it like 

to find forgiveness 

for someone i can’t forgive? 

in my mind, i remember back 

i am seven years old again 

we are in church but

i pray to the man in the white coat instead 

hoping 

against 

all

hope

that you’ll come back to me

completely

even though when i open my eyes

i know all too well 

eight years later

it was only just a wish

and i’ve never even seen a shooting star.