Jan 07
poem challenge: Scars
Maria's picture

Lessons of Idealism

May:

Sun rays bouncing off the rubber of my soles
Throwing me into the clouds 
Hazy, glazed over golden 
The realistic questions, the doubts wovet throughout only pinged me back down to earth 
-For a moment

But gravity never lasted in this manufactured world of mine - one that I thought was ours 

“How am I supposed to love the version of you
The one that fits with me 
Bends when I protrude
Pushes when I pull 
When I don’t even know … who I am
On my own
Is it you who are a perfect fit 
Or is it me who just crumbles into your cracks”

Late Summer:

As September chills sliver down my spine
I didn’t know who I was
Riding next to you Driving on a dark winding road
Swaying when the wheel jerked 
Laughing when your eyes hovered over mine
More importantly I didn’t know who you were 
A fractured mirror 
Broken glass 
Cutting my hands 
Slicing my skin

Hindsight fills me with regret
Shame - inevitable shame 
I wear glasses with iron nails angled inside
Aimed at my eyes
When I look back 

If I had a choice 
Vision would only be towards the future 
You take the lesson and forget the reason 

I wish u were a thing of the past
But I can’t escape
You
You five miles away
Still jerking the wheel 
Still peering into the gieze of cloudy black nights 
I wish u were a different person 
One that I’ve never seen before 
I never knew you - really
But knowing the rise of your body 
The asymmetry in your face 
Is worse than knowing the entirety of past mistakes

December:

I forgot for a moment 
The color of your eyes

A day went by and i didn’t feel sick 
Doubled over 
And hold my gut trying to rid my mind of your incredulous thoughts 

Sometime in the following weeks your name was brought up 
I Observed how my stomach didn’t fall as though my speed shifted going down a hill 
I felt nothing
But relief that you were a thing of the past 
Without your taunts I feel solid 
Oddly,
Without you, I feel content 

Ive grown up to understand that Idealistic worlds aren’t meant to last 
The dopamine receptors trigger a fantastical feeling 
Ever Fleeting 

But realistic worlds, the ones we migrate through every second, aren’t devoid of joy either
Sharp corners, dead ends, yes
Exist in realism 
I walked away from you the day I knew
That I could smile without having shimmering  sun rays propel me from the ground
I walked away the moment I knew I had chosen wrong 
When I chose you
Hear the echo of my footstep fade ~ farther and farther away