Jan 12

Dear Fellow Self-Obsessed, Loose Lipped Teenagers...

Dear Fellow Self-Obsessed, Loose Lipped Teenagers,

          I would like to start off by saying, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT! I didn’t ask you for fashion advice, so don’t bash my clothes. I didn’t ask you if I was right, so don’t tell me what I did wrong. I definitely didn’t ask for your judgemental eyes to watch me and your loose lips to gossip about me. Halls have ears. Hundreds of ears. They also have gaping mouths with literally no filter. Keep that in mind the next time you talk trash.

         Second order of business: I am sick of listening to you talk about matters like they’re one sided. As if your opinion is the only one. If I dare contradict your perfected, choreographed explanation, you toss me to the wolves along with common criminals and thugs. Here is an interesting word for you: Listen; “to give one's attention to a sound”. While you are learning to listen, try hearing the words you are listening to. Hear; “perceive with the ear the sound made by (someone or something).” Take in the words I speak. Let them marinate like a juicy steak. Chew the words over in your mind a few times. Maybe attempt to see things from my perspective. If you don't, I’m afraid I will go bald from the hundreds of hairs I’ll pull from my head in frustration and my teeth will be ground down to nothing from the constant grind of me biting back the rude retorts that fight to break free. So I ask in serious sincerity that you please consider my proposal. 

         Third order of business, a reminder to coworkers: Intelligence is never handed to someone. Book smarts take A LOT of work. So no, you can’t cheat off my paper. Have some respect! You haven’t earned it. I wasn’t passed these answers as a rich man distributes money.  Personal labor was required. Why are you somehow an exception? Why don’t you have to do any work? Oh, now I’m mean? Well good! I hope you reflect back on this reminder the next time your eyes start to wander. I will offer you one piece of advice in return: ask for directions, not answers. Using “please” wouldn’t hurt either.  

          Final order of business: Compliments can make someone's day. Don’t twist them, don’t add on. Just stop after, “Nice hair” or “cool pants”. No, “you finally learned to use a hairbrush” or “you don’t look as pear shaped”. S-t-o-p  T-A-L-K-I-N-G!!! We will all be better off. Thank you for your time.

Your annoyed Fellow Human,