Jan 24

EVERY DAY I HAVE TO SEE

I was always faster
Always rushing
Always in a hurry
To get somewhere
Anywhere
Anywhere but here

Elated -
The best day in a while
I was loud
And quick but
Not rushing
Not running away

I told myself

I'm strong enough
I'm strong enough
I'm good enough
I'm good enough

But I wasn't

This is why
I never
Under any
Circumstances 
Expect the best

I let my guard down
The words flow through my head as a heart pumping blood
Battling for the honor of my thoughts

Too sensitive
Too sensitive
Not good enough
Not good enough

I argue
I never back down
It's who I am
It's a part of me
I rewrite and perfect
I prepare and rehearse
I practice every single thing
So if I lost this - 

Every day I have to see - 

Quite the task to watch every little thing you ever say
Useless words trapped
Inside your head
Never the right time
Can't believe a year ago apologies were never needed
You and I were tied up in an endless golden string

The first bit of bloodshed was from you though I hardly knew it
And that's not all

Every word
Every feeling
Every sensation
How it feels to win
I haven't felt that in a
Long long 
Time

Rivals
We were rivals, yes
But he pushed me to try
I used to at least try
Now-

Everything was a competition
One I didn't crumple under the pressure of if I lost
I knew there would be a chance to try again tomorrow
That was a very long time ago
He won for one last time

I need consistency
Knowing I will hear
That next step
As a foot tramples snow
An oar hits the waves
And then swings back up again

Just knowing you won't slip
Can't falter
Can stop yourself before you get dragged
Over the side of the boat into the water
It welcomes you

Can't lose what is already lost
Can't drive away who are already gone
Can't break what is already broken 
You're safe that way

So why do I keep dreaming
Of the things I thought were over
Long ago

And yet, every day I have to see - 

Rows of bent heads
Too much hair
It swishes
Back and 
Forth and
Back and forth
And back again

Stolen, or lost
Something I thought
It never could leave
If it never was there 
In the first place 

Exchanging childhood stories
Before the board turns on 
A pleasant bling
The hum of noise
Thirty minutes left of class

There is still time

Groans, celebrations and switching seats, leaving mine for them
Daring to ask questions
Slow burn rising in my chest
And yet - 
Leaving me there
Without moving
Without - 

Refusing to shield
Clear view of my past
Living on without me

Smiles hidden
Too many
Behind that mask
Of lies and half truths
I haven't felt that in awhile
Why should they

Time won't let me catch my breath
Won't let me make amends
For things that happened 
To move on and 
Make myself a future

So If I never get a chance to say It again

I'm sorry for hurting
Every single one of you
So please
You can stop making me hurt too