Apr 04

Plautius Mump

The Plautius Mump lives under the floorboards of theatres
And feeds on applause and ill-fitting waistcoats
The Plautius Mump in our auditorium is named Frankus Dimitri and he is very upset if we don't serve up
A good smattering every week or so
He likes his rounds quite diverse and is terribly agitated if they are not perfectly so
Gloved hands in the back, but only satin gloves, and I like to poke him with pages from lost library books and tease
Because where are we going to get the funding to buy satin gloves just to feed our Plautius Mump
When Frankus Dimitri is upset everyone knows it because the stage begins to roll like a fiercely rollicky sea or butter across a hot biscuit
He likes when children giggle and may spit out coins or dropped popcorn from under the stairwell as a thank you after school matinees
We once attempted to put on an Oscar Wilde play and he became so anxious that all of our waistcoats disappeared under the stage
And the whole cast had to sit around complimenting each other and clapping and singing Sondhiem and walking in slippers
Until a long, fuzzy purple ropey thing that quite resembled Mr. Suffleupagus's trunk, but six times as large, pushed them back out
Sometimes after a particularly good cheer the stage will get very still for a moment and then begin to emit a low rumble
Quite like an apple being microwaved in a bowl of soup and everything will go just a bit smoother afterwards
Frankus Dimitri is awfully shy and absolutely will not even show a tuffet unless you are fully in costume, made up, and holding
Some sort of delectable waistcoat that is available for munching
I have met several Plautius Mumps and I always tell F.D. that he is the most handsome of them all, before slipping on my best gloves
And giving him a little clap