Sep 07


This world and this life are so complicated. I only say this because i know it to be true.
None of my teenage years have been normal, or easy. And some of these complications, ive brought on myself.
but the funny part of that is that i brought those on for my own happiness.
so perhaps it is best that we live in a world of complications. 
My first complication was when i fell sick with lyme disease at age 12. 
That one took me 2 1/2 years to climb out of, and the moments of darkness and so much pain and wishing i wasnt alive anymore...
those moments are burned into my memory, leaving behind trauma i can never forget. 
but during those 2 1/2 years, i also remember healing. the days where i would wake up and actually eat something because it didnt feel like my head was spiltting open, and my stomach wasnt churning too terribly. I remember the day my family recieved the grant that saved my life, and i remember each moment that a color came back into my life as someone reteurned it to me.
Life is full of ups and downs, lyrics and rain drops and everything in between. 

The second complication came in the form of a world wide pandemic that killed millions and scared everyone. the transition into the covid world was actually while i was still sick with lyme disease, which made it even more terrifying. I remember the day i was told that i had to be extra careful, because this virus was detrimental to those of us with comprimised immune systems, MIne was curently failing, so that was terrifying. 
but during covid i also remember meeting my boyfriend. we were stuck in an english class together, masks covering the lower halfs of our faces and making everyone different than they seemed. Covid also brought me four minute walks down hallways, endless discussions and debates, laughter, and later, more love than i knew. 

The third complication wasn't by my choice. Well, the first half of it. the first half of it was when i found out that i was moving for the 7th time, away from the people i loved, the place where i had finally stopped being scared of leaving and started putting down roots because this place was okay. The first half of it was finding out when i wasnt supposed to and learning that my parents werent planning on telling me because this wasnt something that concerned me apparently...
because of this, this was the second half. this was the time period during which i broke up with my boyfriend because we were both scared and didnt know what to do. this was the time period during which i cried for an entire day and felt a pain that was unlike anything ive ever felt before.
But this was also during the time period that we both found out you never truly realize how much someone means to you until you cant have them anymore. This was the second half that led to us talking again and realizing we'd made a mistake and that we didnt want to leave each other simply because of a hard moment. This was the second half that something changed between us and everyone calmed down. 
this part, was my choice. Because as long as you have something good, ive learned to hold onto that. If it or them or anything is beneficial to your life, keep it for as long as you can. Your happiness does matter. 

This world is complicated and hard and is pretty damn good at breaking you. But the point of living, of being alive, is so that you have a chance to face those challenges and make your own decision about what youre going to do about them. 
Some food for thought :)