Oct 27

Age 13-20

This is a little thing I wrote during a class I was supposed to be listening to, just completely overwhelmed by life....for me, this is a tiny piece of what being a teenager feels like... losing someone and meeting someone else, random little things noticed and the urgent feeling to get out fo where you are...I hope y'all can relate to it and enjoy it :)

I've been told words have power, that
MY words have power...
so then what is it that I'm saying?

I still miss him but 
it no longer aches and I know he still misses me 
and neither of us have let go completely because why else would we still be talking?
...We'll find each other again someday

Watch blue sparks fly through a glass window, car rides to waterfalls with new people, 
this is beauty and both of us are aware of it

My shoes have walked these hallways for not very long but
it's already been long enough and is anyone else as tired as I am?
So exhausted that it feels normal now, functioning only by aching, overworked muscles and the hope of a future...

My therapist sits across from me, legs crossed, eyes trying to read mine...
I'm trying to read her too, and it's infuriating because she is one of those people I cannot
She asks me how I am and every time
I consider lying, telling her I'm fine, but instead
"I'm... reallyreallytired and lifeisreallyreallyhard right now"

I am constantly told by adults that these are the best years of my life
I'll probably believe that someday when I am old and wistful, but for now it's simply nod and smile, lie about how great life is
Because all teengers are?
We're just tired, young adults, trying to navigate
what this world decides to throw at us

I miss him and her and them, look here, let's try this and possibly lose a few years of our life but f*ck it
here, take this, it's yet another paper for you to write on, it's not something you'll ever use in life, but here
prove to us that you have the right to grow up
Let's go watch the stars with music and alcohol, cry over the boy we lost and the girl that broke our hearts...
you are so irresponsible and I don't know who you are anymore, I miss the person you used to be
!At least I'm not like you! Slam the door, drown out more yelling with music and furious texting, the only thing to calm you right now
Sweatpants and legs tangled, movies with too much intimacy, I want to sleep now but who knows how much longer we have together...

I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Wait, but why should I be? 
Because this is what happens every year, we change
andchangeandchangeandchange again
and we forget and I'm writing this while he talks about lenses and questions about our government runs through my mind...

We are never going to be taught anything more by someone,
than what we already know.
and so here we go again, here I go again, keep pushing, only one year 5 months left, not that I'm counting, of course I want to stay...

I'll continue trying telling my therapist I'm fine, but
we both know she won't believe it