Jan 22

I Am Woman, Hear Me Weep: A Satirical Argument Against The 19th Amendment

I'm emotional. I'm also a woman. Just like billions of others, I am an emotional woman. I don't make good decisions. I can't stay up past 9 pm or I start crying. When someone asks me where I want to eat, it takes me hours to decide. I am woman, hear me weep. I woman, I'm bad at grammar, I am woman, it's really hard for me in math class, I am woman, I'm biologically not smart. The most intelligent thing I've ever done is realize that. I would be a horrible leader, not because of my personality, but because of my gender. It's not my fault that I can't reason, it's my ovaries. But still, I am the host of my ovaries, and I shouldn't be trusted with important matters. The United States can see through history how we have been punished on the anniversary of the 19th amendment, how strong female role models are actually weak and unrealistic, and how incredible people are against the 19th amendment. This is why I think that neither I, nor any other female, should be able to vote. 
Let's look at the facts. I usually don't say that because reading makes me nervous, but this is for a good cause. Women got the right to vote in 1919, which constituted the 19th amendment. Look what happened 100 years later in 2019. The coronavirus. While everyone was out celebrating women gaining autonomy, something in the cosmos decided to show America our grave mistake, and release something just as erratic and dangerous as women having the vote. On the 10 year anniversary of women getting the vote, what starts? The great depression. It's a perfect metaphor. America is DEPRESSED. Women are DEPRESSING. We just sit there, silent, weighing down the joy. Can you think of anything else that has happened in years ending with 9? 1939? When we entered world war 2, the deadliest world war in the history of America. Franklin D. Roosevelt was president during world war two. Look who could vote when he was elected? Females. In some states, up to 50% of women voted in 1930. Red flag. In short, women caused the great depression, world war two, and covid. Every woman on earth should be given the burden of those millions of deaths.
Look at the women who lead the suffrage movement. Elizabeth Cady Stanton was one of the forefathers of the 19th amendment. She was also a eugenicist, and against black women having the vote. She is who women who wanted the vote idolized. Obviously every woman who chooses to vote today is echoing her ideals. Susan B. Anthony, another suffragette, was vehemently pro-life. While I am against women having any choices, if a man thinks that a woman should have an abortion, I would hate for a woman to have a negative opinion on it.  Plenty of smart, accomplished women were against voting. Women who tried to get the vote were put in jails or mental institutions, and a lot of them were happier there than they were out in the world. Also, what is a woman's role? To have children, to foster the future, to start at 15. How can you care for a child if you're always running off to the polls? Voting should be considered child abandonment. Also, the majority of Americans live in rural places, and would have to drive to local voting areas. Driving is what? Dangerous. Dangerous to a woman and her eggs, because the shells are very fragile. Women shouldn't have to put their lives in danger just to do something they're bad at. Every woman who fought to get women the vote was a terrible person, and I think any woman who chooses to vote should be charged with homicide, and her husband should get some sort of taser.
Name some incredible men. Elon Musk, Jeff Bezos, John Adams the second president of the United states. John Adams, a man who pioneered freedom and the values america stand for, was against women voting. He was literally the president, the smartest man in america, so the smartest person in america, and he didn't think women should vote. John gibbs, a senator in today's day in age, in 2022, said that women shouldn't have the vote, and that society should be a patriarchy, because it isn't already. Let's go Gibbs! He's a real, elected senator. Joel Webbon is a minister with thousands of followers. Like many great men, he communicates with his followers through twitter. On november 4th, he tweeted "The 19th amendment was a bad idea because women are easily deceived and institutions for deception." Take that liberals. Doug Wilson is another modern man against women voting. He's a god, a hero, in other words, a podcaster. He owns a book publisher, he reaches millions of people. He doesn't think women should vote. He's smart. He has published dozens of high-quality Christian fantasy books that should be required reading in schools. If that didn't change your mind, consider this. In 2021, Ann Coulter, a journalist and media personality, said at a speech in Mississippi University, that women shouldn't have the vote. If you need to listen to a woman, listen to her. But then she should stop talking because her voice is kind of shrill.
To conclude, why do you want the vote? Why do I have the vote? Because someone messed up. The women who fought for the right to vote, hundreds of thousands of them, were all terrible. On the anniversaries of women getting the vote, terrible things happen, like the great depression and international pandemics. Women voting now put their bodies and children in danger by going to the polls. Incredible men who are elected to government positions and have huge fan bases are against women voting. Ladies, look at me. Us females have to stick together. I know you want choices, I know you want freedom. But look around. This is joy, this is what we were built to do. Voting is doing nothing but putting stress on our families and our small, squishy brains. Wake up, start crying, start birthing, start caring, and stop voting. Thank you.