shuttle

i do not feel unclean.
you told me about the man that kissed you in the summer
how he made spreadsheets of your days together
documenting every little thing

you should know i do the same
and 
whatever he felt for you
couldn’t have been very different from me
because when you wrapped your warm fingers around my wrist,
tucked your face into my neck
and lay your legs across my own
i wished we were in a film

(pretending we were to get up to try again in five minutes because the mic lowered to catch our gentle conversation beneath the quiet music could be seen in the frame, to get up and laugh off the way that your necklace had pressed its pattern into the skin of my collarbone, and be free of the weight of you in my head and my heart)

so that i might see us in this moment over
and over again
to remind myself that you held me once,
even if it was not in the same way that he held you

you were only tired after all.
and where else were your legs supposed to go?
sitting in those small van seats on our way back home
where i realized that the kind of rest i need 
does not come from sleep
 

bugss

NY

YWP Alumni

More by bugss

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    We ride our bikes into the brush 
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    endlessly searching and reaching for that next breath
    that next grace 
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    i am trapped in that broken state of consciousness
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    where the rest and rem comes from a deeper sort of aching need 
    fullfilled
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  • By bugss

    apology

    i think it was your brother
    that told me
    how you nearly killed yourself

    but i spent a while 
    hidden in the knowledge
    of your pain
    as if i could have somehow known
    before he told me