We sat on the middle of my floor and talked, my mother and I. Argued is more of a fitting word, but it didn't started that way. Slowly and slowly our voices built up, a rising wave of tension and anger. And then she left. I sat in the middle of my room for hours after. I wasn't even that upset about the topic of our arguement.. No.. It was the fight that set me off into a stressed ball of tangled string. Everything was pressing in on me, and I had mentally thrown my arms up in attempt to make it all stop. There were too many thoughts, too many emotions, and I just wanted peace.
At the crescendo of the madness in my thoughts, I had barely made out the notification sound that came from my phone. Looking back on it now, I think reading those messages was a big mistake..And yet I'm glad I did. I read them over again thrice. Another emotion joined the storm, and I typed out a response. I waited 45 minutes.. and said good night. The seemingly careless response was not what shattered me. No, nothing that happened last night shattered me. I remember each thing I felt so vividly. I was so still, both mentally and physically while the thoughts and emotions that were not my own pulled and pushed at me. All I could think was, "I messed up." It was then, that the wave of tension and anger that had been rising since my mother left, crashed. I pulled into myself.
So I sat like that for hours, until I managed to move to my desk. I had pulled a blanket around me, in a poor attempt of trying to comfort myself in the room that had gone icy over the hours. I had thrown my phone across the room earlier, and I remember picking it up and hoping to see a notification on my screen. Nothing. I remember a voice in my head telling me it was my fault. I replied to myself with, "I know." I had turned music on, even though I could barely hear it. A new wave was rising, one of silence and regret. And it was louder than the one of tension and anger. I drew and drew, tears slipping almost constantly. After a while, my throat was so, so dry. It felt like I was breathing in salty air. It had gone in and swirled around me, replacing my emotions. It didn't push, nor did it pull, at me. Instead it brushed against me, almost a comfort. Meanwhile, my heart had been an unsteady and irregular thing, seeming to be lost and strained itself.
I regretted my mistake so, so much. I tried to make it up, and stayed close to my phone for a few hours more. I messed up, I messed up. I destroyed something beautiful, something pure. Again. And this time, I felt the pain. I couldn't look myself in the eye when I finally got up to brush my teeth. As I climbed into bed, still feeling.. still.. within myself. I remember closing my eyes for a second..then jumping as my phone dinged with a new notification. With shaking hands, I looked. And nearly sagged with relief, but fear kept me stiff.
Yes, I had messed up. But another few hours, I learned that I could've done so much worse. I fixed my mistake, and went to sleep relieved. I had a difficult time, because my head was throbbing from the left over damage the waves had done. Finally, I was able to fall asleep with a final resolve. I would not make that mistake again. I had gotten lucky.
They say that one can learn something from each mistake they make. From this one, I learned that while I was having a rough time, so was he. He nearly killed himself, because things were so much worse on his end.. and I had only made it more so. I had no idea.. While I had cried, he had cried too. We both felt so alone and battered. I'm never letting that happen again. I almost lost him, and something so beautiful and pure. And so here I am, writing this. As a.. message? Dear writers, artists, musicians.. Please be careful with those that you love, especially over the phone. You never know what's happening on their end, and how rough things can be sometimes. And don't pretend to be okay, because that'll only make you feel more alone. Oh, and stress gets passed on really easily.. There, I think that's all. Heh, I hope these help someone, at least a little bit.