new year

it's another decade and i still
have no idea who i am or where i'm going.
i'm still a jumbled bundle of fear and ambition
trying to find some way to pass my time. 
in a way i almost think i'm running out of it--
living in today's world, 
it feels like things are crumbling down on all sides,
i feel like there's a timer set
and it goes off when i'm twenty-seven
and if i want to do anything, 
i need to by then.
i have no sense of scale for the things i want to do
and no sense of what i'm really capable of, 
i make grandiose plans of creating works of art
and delay creating them because i'm afraid
and i am afraid. 
because so many clocks are ticking. 
my lead actress is only in town until february. 
global warming is only giving us twelve years before time runs out. 
i have only two years before i go to college. 
i have so many plans, 
there is so much i want to do
and so much i want to learn that i want to do
but never thought i might. 
i am so young. 
but i feel like the world is a ticking time bomb looking over my shoulder
and i feel like my responsibilities are crushing down on me
and i feel like my implausible ambitions of greatness
rather than trying to follow a realistic path 
because i don't feel like there's time for a realistic path. 
and i'm afraid that somewhere along the way
i will stop wanting the things i want now .
and i know i shouldn't be afraid of a change of heart
because when i want new things, 
i won't miss the old ones
but the things i want now, 
i want so desperately that i can't imagine one day giving up on them
and it feels like it would be a betrayal. 
and if i ever give up on what i want now
there will be so much wasted time and effort. 
i'm afraid of change and hate routine
and i don't know if a radical shift or a return to form is what i need
because i'm tired and i've let so many little consistencies crumble. 
i feel like i'm floating
even though nothing's changed
even though i'm the same person
i don't know who i'm supposed to be. 
because after years of telling myself that i was more solid than i used to be
and i know who i am
i just feel like a vessel for my obsessions
and when my focus breaks and the light comes through
there's a crack in the middle of me that's just dust 
because nothing i've ever tried on has fit quite right. 
i don't even know whose disapproval i fear, 
if it's everyone else's or mine. 
sometimes i think everything i do is in an attempt to prevent my future self from looking back on these days with shame.
but i'm not really ashamed of anything i've done in the past. 
everything i've tried on and abandoned has made me happy
or else protected me from everything else. 
i feel sad, sometimes, about my own use of obsession as a shield
but not ashamed. 
a few days ago my focus broke. 
and now i don't know what to focus on, 
and i don't know what to want, 
and i don't know where i'm going or who i am
and there is a clock ticking over my shoulder that i don't know for sure doesn't have a bomb on it. 
and i'm sure i'll forget this all soon, 
find something new or something old to cover my head in again, 
forget the cracks from all the identities i've tried on that only ever hurt me, 
and feel fine once again. 
and i'm sure one day i'll have to make peace with all this. 
our deeply, deeply imperfect world
and the deeply, deeply imperfect me
and the tenuous nature of my own sense of self
because i still think it's stronger than what many people have. 
that perspective doesn't make me feel better
but i've gone through this in the past and it always turns out okay. 
so. 
happy new year. 

sorry. really sorry. i just had a lot of thoughts that i wasn't even sure i had and needed to vent. i'm not trying to create overly depressing new year content.