i close my eyes and i’m taken back
to monday, october 7th
to the sound of a phone call
i’m suffocating
fright fills my lungs
i breathe in, breathe out
close my eyes
but you’re not there
when the blur clears
where are you, i cry out in my mind
where are you?
but daddy’s voice is grey and aunt’s face is sad
as she holds the phone and looks at us,
and she blinks
too many times
too fast
where are you?
we stand in the fluorescent light, i feel my world spin
and crash
just like the cars
on heineberg road
my aunt looks at her phone, just like the girl in the car
behind you did
but she is hoping for good news,
what was the girl doing?
if i close my eyes and go back to that night
the hallways are flush with colorful artwork,
but they seem bleached as we leave
we pass into the darkness, aunt can cry now
she doesn’t show, but i can hear
i try not to think
that this car
could change a life
as i sit in the dark.
for the first time in a long time,
i find my brother’s hand
and we hold
we don’t hit
where are you?
aunt tries to make us eat
but i can’t
not in this terrible time
aunt puts us to bed
to sleep, she says
but i can’t
where are you?
when i shut my eyes and the world goes dark
i remember
the darkness that followed
monday, october 7th
you lay in bed, and you smile, but it is brittle
i am only seven, but
i see the pain in your eyes
little do you know it will be everlasting.
they are not the eyes i once knew
where are you?
no more noise, not even joyous ones
i can’t laugh anyway
i take the bus to first grade now
and mrs. nancy
knows not to look for my mother,
waving at the door.
where are you?
the boys and i eat dinner
with dad
you eat
with your pain.
where are you?
what is it like
for your mind to wage war against itself?
for one moment
for one stupid girl
to latch onto you forever?
what is it like
for the doctors
to shake their heads
and say,
“this is your life now”?
what is it like
to find forgiveness
for someone i can’t forgive?
in my mind, i remember back
i am seven years old again
we are in church but
i pray to the man in the white coat instead
hoping
against
all
hope
that you’ll come back to me
completely
even though when i open my eyes
i know all too well
eight years later
it was only just a wish
and i’ve never even seen a shooting star.
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