restless tonight
this poem is called
walk the night
i walk the night of my dreams
my thoughts
my home
my streets
paved with secrets yet untold
music sends me which way
on my darkened path
i walk no friends to talk to
the stars my only companion
they tell me things of what they watch
they watch and stair while i'm running with care
the stars see things unknown to me
so i step out into this moonless night
walking the cold streets not knowing what is behind a corner
but at the same time
i feel like the night sky is all around me
the light are gone
just stars
and im walking the endless everything
the endless dark
the endless end
yet if something ends something else begins
to the point of no return
to the point of black
i walk with thoughts in my head
and i scream into the night
i pour my life out into the night
i look up
how beautifully
passing sleeping city's
run on
run on
restless tonight
cause i waisted the light
doing nothing and making do
contemplating
contemplating
the night makes me whole
the night takes me
to places i could not go in the day
i see things only the darkness reviles
i think about you,
i think about her
i think about me
and i think abut it all
restlessness tonight
cause i waisted the light
- sinisterVT's blog
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Well done! Terrific turns
Well done! Terrific turns of phrase ("doing nothing and making do"; "endless end") that make the poem rich and interesting to read. The texture of your writing reminds me of The Arcade Fire and Modest Mouse; based on your themes if you have not yet heard them I would suggest hunting down the album "Funeral" (by The Arcade Fire, themes of light and darkness are especially prevalent on that album) and the song "The Stars are Projectors" (by Modest Mouse). It's also a theme I can really relate to. Have you ever read the poem "Acquainted with the Night" by Robert Frost? That's another one your poem brings to mind.
Places you can push the piece: watch out for cliches. You have the material here for a terrific poem, but it's not quite tight yet-- lines like "the point of no return" and "scream into the night" ring just a bit tinny. As you edit, look for lines or images that you think you've heard before in other places-- and see how you can amend them or turn them (for example, the phrase "making do" is kind of a cliche, but you turned that around and made it a really strong line by coupling it with something unexpected). You seem to have a fairly intuitive grasp for great lines, so just go through and see what you can purge.
Tremendous work! Write on!
-Jeff
thanks a lot for the
thanks a lot for the critique, yeah I'll check out the frost poem, and the other songs, i was worried it might sounds just a little tinny with those lines, one questions do you think the "restless tonight cause i waisted the light" fits, and the refrain at the end?
Wow again...
Your poetry is all really good. I can really imagine what is going on.... Its so deep.... It's just awesome...
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Sometimes, I wonder if love is good or bad.... It can make you feel like you're higher than the tallest mountain, or it can make you feel like the lowest person on earth.....
hahaha its great someone
hahaha its great someone other than Julie and em is readying my poetry, but no slander to them there awesome, but thanks again Read on Dear reader
I will keep reading. You
I will keep reading. You asked nicely, and I have FINALLY finished my psych homework, so I have some time. After I read one, I wanted to read the others.... Your stuff is good... ^_^
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Sometimes, I wonder if love is good or bad.... It can make you feel like you're higher than the tallest mountain, or it can make you feel like the lowest person on earth.....
saaaaaaweeeet, after your
saaaaaaweeeet, after your done, tell me what u think
Hey, sorry to take so long
Hey, sorry to take so long getting back to you on your question on my comment.
I think that's a very fine refrain, and it fits really well with the duality of light and darkness that's present throughout the entire piece.
-Jeff