Atrophy

At the apex of an almost kiss The tracing of a cupid's bow Unsure if I dare get caught If I dare admit I'm praying to be The juxtaposition of wanting To spill my sins like this is a confessional Or to be silenced and unassuming Wishing either would satisfy me when suddenly- Suddenly i'm on fire and frozen Suddenly I need it- them- more- They’re touching my neck and- yes -This right here, all I have ever surmounted for one indefinite- Wait, no- I realize I shouldn't do this anymore- Not that I can't, nor that my will won't allow But that I shouldn't I really really shouldn't and- First apart falls my face Pierced in half, soft touches melting My eyes roll back into my head A moan presses behind my teeth, insistent and please I realize I cannot pretend. Not for another second. And for a moment I almost- But then again I shouldn’t- The warmth I feel spreading is undeniable, And I will not be denied This I must indulge, As though I deserve it at all Wishing only to hear testimony spilling out of them But the devil has his hand Twisted in my hair, Pushing me down dangerously into lust As if I'm not begging for it, whore-ish As though I'm not needy for it, depraved I put their fingers on my skin like That ain't the worst form of self sabotage If the albatross around my neck could only Become their hands tighter tighter tighter- wait- I fall prone on my Knees, hands behind my back Swearing I've never Been here before, Head bowed and pleading for them, like this Isn't natural for me, like I don’t fall into place beneath them so perfectly I'd swear they know exactly how they destroy me If it weren't for That stupid innocence Too sweet for my atrophied fuckery untouched even in the face of my corruption I would say I want to ruin them If it weren't for my own perverted habit Of wanting to be so ruined myself In the most desperate way imaginable I shove my head into a pillow like that will silence anything more than The depraved noises Anguishing from my body Eventually I resurface, wave crested and fallen Then Curious eyes beseech me To placate with a hopeful normalcy And the devil's hands retreat, if only for a moment