ivyparks

we scream in our sleep 
until our lungs are thin
and decaying, the only 
things keeping you from hearing
me are the paper thin walls i have built
around me.

every night, i close my eyes,

it's not so lonely anymore, facedown
on the hardwood floor, listening to the
ghosts whisper their secrets in my ear
until i fall asleep.

i've been talking to you in
my dreams, and it's made me lose

when i reach for you, the world
just starts spinning again, like i have
been pushed out of focus, like i always am.

am i looking at you, or am i
just dreaming again? my body is numb
as the lights flood my vision, your

they will ask why i lock
the door at night and i will
tell them it's because i am a creature
of habit, soft and unready for the monsters
that claw at my bedframe in
the early hours of the morning.

a hand holds my thigh, and for
the first time in months, i feel as
if i can feel myself returning to existence.

it’s such a big word, existing,
it’s such a hard thing to do, but
8 billion unhappy creatures crawl

i love you more than i planned,
i think to myself late at night as i
stare into nothingness for hours on end.

i let you hold me for longer than
you were supposed to, and sometimes,
it hurts so bad that i lock myself in a cage