Very simple, yet it gets your point across. It's easy to connect to, as most people can relate to the fears you mentioned. I especially like the order in which you mentioned the fears: as the reader progresses throughout the poem, it seems to get deeper and deeper in a way. You began with tests, which people might talk about and experience on any given day, then left off with the more deep-conversational concepts of life and death. Good job!
This is about a situation in my life where someone who is an adult and in my family pushing someone i love to having an eating disorder by verbal abuse. It’s about how i don’t really care about much in life but how someone hurt one of the only things i do care about and how i’d rather die than let that happen.
Wow! Such a powerful performance. I remember when I first saw them deliver that piece at my school, that might have been the exact moment I fell in love with poetry. I’m very thankful to them for that gift, all they’re doing to break down and empower those around them. Congratulations to MGMC, they are truly deserving of that award!
I really love the theme of this poem, and the ways that you described different fears. It's truly unique. However, I feel like the ending was a bit anticlimactic. I wonder if you could start out with a person being afraid of tests and ending with death? That way it makes it sound like the fears get stronger and stronger throughout, so the tension builds a bit more. Feel free to take or disregard this comment, it's totally up to you... just an idea. Overall, love the piece and what it stands for. Nice job.
Reply to: Abrie Howe ArtThursday, July 19, 2018 - 10:28pm
Comment Author: Hazel.C.
I love how this art seems to capture the animal’s essence. The cats are my favorite, they have so much expression, the snarling one especially made me laugh. Small, yet so fierce!
One question: the lion appears to be cut off, are you able to rotate it, like some of the other vertical images, so that we can see the whole piece?
Sorry for the confusion on the medium, I think in the future I will add a short caption giving a little information to inform the viewer.
I do like to edit my photos to give them a painting-like quality, I’m glad you liked it! The original photos were taken inside, in bad light, and were a bit dull, so I decided to experiment with the the colors and light components to make them appear more as I had intended when I took the picture. I used Photoshop Express (the free version) to accomplish this. If you are interested, would be willing to create a separate post with a before and after of each of these photos, to show the transformation.
Additionally, I would be honored if you or someone else wrote something inspired by one of these photos. I love when one kind of art inspires another, starting a sort of creative chain reaction. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts,
~Hazel
Reply to: Pen and PaintThursday, July 19, 2018 - 7:36pm
Comment Author: serenamae2020
WHOA!! These are AMAZING!!! I especially love the woman in the red dress with the rose that is done on multiple pieces of paper. It reminds me that we are made up of different pieces, but that they all connect to make us who we are. I don't know if that was the point or if there is another hidden meaning, but I love it just the same.
Out of curiosity, do these pieces of art have a bigger meaning? Are the landscapes places that you have been before? Is the piece with the six girls in brightly colored dresses representative of you and your friends? I'd love it if you talked about the significance your art has on your life, maybe in another post (if there is any significance at all. I know that some of my art is just for fun).
These are magnificent pieces. I just wanted to say that your work does not go unrecognized. You are, truly, talented.
Thank you both so much! I'm about to add the lyrics right now, and I really appreciate both of your opinions on this!
(And yes, I'm playing the guitar.) :)
I love the metaphor of the man and the scissors and the imagery of a girl sitting on the roof of her school at sunset, just taking the world in. However, I'm adding some suggestions directly onto your piece because there are a few lines that I think might be more effective if revised slightly. A few edits go a long way. That said, you obviously don't have to listen to any of my advice-- it's just ideas.
Also, by the end of the piece, I realized that the man with the scissors was/could be a metaphor for God. Your argument at the end is one commonly used by atheists when questioning the existence of a kind and powerful God. Even if this wasn't an intentional comparison, it brings up the same interesting thoughts.
I love how terroir is such an unusual word describing such specific characteristics in such a small subject and you completely expanded that to let it describe religion and culture and division and all these other universal themes. However, I think the piece would benefit if you helped smooth that transition/expansion a bit.
My suggestion would be to add a few lines in between your definition and where you start your poem. The poem seems to me like a grand conclusion that ties a lot of different subject matter together, which is excellent, except that you never introduced the subjects beforehand.
You start with "but." Try introducing the ideas you are contradicting before you launch into your argument. Bonus points if you can include a metaphor or specific example to strengthen your point.
I'm glad I took French :)
I love the metaphor of a sink draining water/secrets, and I love how efficiently you were able to capture a whole story.
But I'm kind of confused by how the different subjects you talk about relate to one another. How does the first line relate to the next two and those relate to the fourth and that relate to the last four lines?
Also, I admire your dedication to posting on YWP. You're just overflowing with different ideas and I love that you take the time to explore each and share it with us :)
First, I'm impressed that you were able to get so much inspiration and creativity out of a song lyric, and thank you for sharing that source with us. Not sure what the lyric means, but it definitely gets me thinking and puts me in the right mood for this piece. Great use of an epigraph.
I also love the names.
I also want to hear more of this story. Sorry about the reloading: that's definitely happened to me a few times. It helps to write in a google doc first, then copy/paste it into YWP, or to highlight your whole piece as you're working on it and copy it (so if it gets deleted, at least you'll have some of it saved).
My only complaint about this piece is that it jumps around a lot. I think more context and detail for each situation would make the whole piece seem less of a summary and more of a story that the reader can be fully immersed in.
You have a great sense of detail and tone. Even if I didn't understand this poem, I would love it just because of the crisp beauty of your vocabulary and the interesting imagery you create. I also really love this format (might be even cooler with lower case i's, but maybe that's just me). Some of my favorite lines: "bony hands tucking in bony figures", "gentle phantoms", "dead apologies", "floral curtains", "forgotten grass", "drowning in spring's dawn". You have such a talent for capturing an idea in a new way.
Something to think about: trying to use less adjectives and adverbs. Doing so forces you to be more creative, specific, and thoughtful about what you're trying to say. If you can't think of a non-adjective way to express a description, then just take out that description. Obviously you don't have to do this (reading through this piece, I'm not sure if you could do it easily without taking away meaning), but it gives you something to play around with.
Similarly, making sure that the phrases you're using are uniquely yours. Is there anywhere else you've heard "gaunt cheekbones" "mop of curls" or "eyes heavy with sleep"? Not saying you're stealing, but pay attention to the commonness of your words, and see if you can get what you want to say across without defaulting to a phrase you have stored in your brain.
Basically, epic piece. Any notes are for you to consider or ignore, totally up to you.
So colorful and full. You have a real talent for photography: these look like they came straight out of a magazine.
I think I recognize the raft, too...
Here's an idea: try expanding this poem. Add a line in between each of your words and see what happens.
Right now, the individual parts of your piece sound beautiful and fascinating--but when you have them all so close together it doesn't really make sense. Give each beginning an ending that matches it. Let your thoughts breathe.
This would make a really cool recording if there was a way you could do all the different voices and background noises...
Definitely a creative format.
An elegant, and well-written speech. Thanks for sharing (and recording!)
My suggestion? Show more, tell less. Give some solid examples and metaphors for the reader to hold onto. And try to step outside the box when doing so: write about the people who aren't as easily identified as those who have been wronged and need help.
I couldn't tell what medium they were in until I read your comment--they look like they were made with pastels or oil paints or printed on t-shirts from the 90s...
Really cool and creative. It makes the photos seem so much more mysterious and interesting and exciting than if they seemed 100% ordinary.
They could also inspire some cool writing pieces, I bet.
Are they all colored pencil? I also see some watercolor and charcoal (...?)
I can't believe how well you've managed to blend the colors and how realistic these are.
My favorite is the giraffe. And the girl with orange eyeshadow. And the freckled girl with light brown hair.
Beautiful. Please make more :)
I second this! People would love to be able to read lyrics before, after, or while they listen to the music, especially for the parts that are slightly harder to hear.
That said, it really is a beautiful, beautiful piece. You're a really talented musician and singer, and you've already got a unique style. I love the way you play the guitar (...?).
I'm not sure if the crumpling paper at the beginning adds anything to your piece, however, it is a cool idea to use it as an instrument & makes me wonder how else you could use it (crumpling rhythmically throughout the song or tearing off long strips...?).
Please keep on writing and performing and recording and posting music! I realize it's a labor intensive process but we love to hear it, and you'll only get better the more you play.
Recent Comments
This is a beautiful poem---
Very simple, yet it gets your point across. It's easy to connect to, as most people can relate to the fears you mentioned. I especially like the order in which you mentioned the fears: as the reader progresses throughout the poem, it seems to get deeper and deeper in a way. You began with tests, which people might talk about and experience on any given day, then left off with the more deep-conversational concepts of life and death. Good job!
I'd visit but i live six hours away. Cheers to you guys!
This is about a situation in my life where someone who is an adult and in my family pushing someone i love to having an eating disorder by verbal abuse. It’s about how i don’t really care about much in life but how someone hurt one of the only things i do care about and how i’d rather die than let that happen.
Wow! Such a powerful performance. I remember when I first saw them deliver that piece at my school, that might have been the exact moment I fell in love with poetry. I’m very thankful to them for that gift, all they’re doing to break down and empower those around them. Congratulations to MGMC, they are truly deserving of that award!
Thank you for your comments! The Lion has been fixed!
I really love the theme of this poem, and the ways that you described different fears. It's truly unique. However, I feel like the ending was a bit anticlimactic. I wonder if you could start out with a person being afraid of tests and ending with death? That way it makes it sound like the fears get stronger and stronger throughout, so the tension builds a bit more. Feel free to take or disregard this comment, it's totally up to you... just an idea. Overall, love the piece and what it stands for. Nice job.
I love how this art seems to capture the animal’s essence. The cats are my favorite, they have so much expression, the snarling one especially made me laugh. Small, yet so fierce!
One question: the lion appears to be cut off, are you able to rotate it, like some of the other vertical images, so that we can see the whole piece?
Sorry for the confusion on the medium, I think in the future I will add a short caption giving a little information to inform the viewer.
I do like to edit my photos to give them a painting-like quality, I’m glad you liked it! The original photos were taken inside, in bad light, and were a bit dull, so I decided to experiment with the the colors and light components to make them appear more as I had intended when I took the picture. I used Photoshop Express (the free version) to accomplish this. If you are interested, would be willing to create a separate post with a before and after of each of these photos, to show the transformation.
Additionally, I would be honored if you or someone else wrote something inspired by one of these photos. I love when one kind of art inspires another, starting a sort of creative chain reaction. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts,
~Hazel
WHOA!! These are AMAZING!!! I especially love the woman in the red dress with the rose that is done on multiple pieces of paper. It reminds me that we are made up of different pieces, but that they all connect to make us who we are. I don't know if that was the point or if there is another hidden meaning, but I love it just the same.
Out of curiosity, do these pieces of art have a bigger meaning? Are the landscapes places that you have been before? Is the piece with the six girls in brightly colored dresses representative of you and your friends? I'd love it if you talked about the significance your art has on your life, maybe in another post (if there is any significance at all. I know that some of my art is just for fun).
These are magnificent pieces. I just wanted to say that your work does not go unrecognized. You are, truly, talented.
Thank you both so much! I'm about to add the lyrics right now, and I really appreciate both of your opinions on this!
(And yes, I'm playing the guitar.) :)
I love the metaphor of the man and the scissors and the imagery of a girl sitting on the roof of her school at sunset, just taking the world in. However, I'm adding some suggestions directly onto your piece because there are a few lines that I think might be more effective if revised slightly. A few edits go a long way. That said, you obviously don't have to listen to any of my advice-- it's just ideas.
Also, by the end of the piece, I realized that the man with the scissors was/could be a metaphor for God. Your argument at the end is one commonly used by atheists when questioning the existence of a kind and powerful God. Even if this wasn't an intentional comparison, it brings up the same interesting thoughts.
I love how terroir is such an unusual word describing such specific characteristics in such a small subject and you completely expanded that to let it describe religion and culture and division and all these other universal themes. However, I think the piece would benefit if you helped smooth that transition/expansion a bit.
My suggestion would be to add a few lines in between your definition and where you start your poem. The poem seems to me like a grand conclusion that ties a lot of different subject matter together, which is excellent, except that you never introduced the subjects beforehand.
You start with "but." Try introducing the ideas you are contradicting before you launch into your argument. Bonus points if you can include a metaphor or specific example to strengthen your point.
Also, I love your title :)
I'm glad I took French :)
I love the metaphor of a sink draining water/secrets, and I love how efficiently you were able to capture a whole story.
But I'm kind of confused by how the different subjects you talk about relate to one another. How does the first line relate to the next two and those relate to the fourth and that relate to the last four lines?
Also, I admire your dedication to posting on YWP. You're just overflowing with different ideas and I love that you take the time to explore each and share it with us :)
First, I'm impressed that you were able to get so much inspiration and creativity out of a song lyric, and thank you for sharing that source with us. Not sure what the lyric means, but it definitely gets me thinking and puts me in the right mood for this piece. Great use of an epigraph.
I also love the names.
I also want to hear more of this story. Sorry about the reloading: that's definitely happened to me a few times. It helps to write in a google doc first, then copy/paste it into YWP, or to highlight your whole piece as you're working on it and copy it (so if it gets deleted, at least you'll have some of it saved).
My only complaint about this piece is that it jumps around a lot. I think more context and detail for each situation would make the whole piece seem less of a summary and more of a story that the reader can be fully immersed in.
You have a great sense of detail and tone. Even if I didn't understand this poem, I would love it just because of the crisp beauty of your vocabulary and the interesting imagery you create. I also really love this format (might be even cooler with lower case i's, but maybe that's just me). Some of my favorite lines: "bony hands tucking in bony figures", "gentle phantoms", "dead apologies", "floral curtains", "forgotten grass", "drowning in spring's dawn". You have such a talent for capturing an idea in a new way.
Something to think about: trying to use less adjectives and adverbs. Doing so forces you to be more creative, specific, and thoughtful about what you're trying to say. If you can't think of a non-adjective way to express a description, then just take out that description. Obviously you don't have to do this (reading through this piece, I'm not sure if you could do it easily without taking away meaning), but it gives you something to play around with.
Similarly, making sure that the phrases you're using are uniquely yours. Is there anywhere else you've heard "gaunt cheekbones" "mop of curls" or "eyes heavy with sleep"? Not saying you're stealing, but pay attention to the commonness of your words, and see if you can get what you want to say across without defaulting to a phrase you have stored in your brain.
Basically, epic piece. Any notes are for you to consider or ignore, totally up to you.
So colorful and full. You have a real talent for photography: these look like they came straight out of a magazine.
I think I recognize the raft, too...
Here's an idea: try expanding this poem. Add a line in between each of your words and see what happens.
Right now, the individual parts of your piece sound beautiful and fascinating--but when you have them all so close together it doesn't really make sense. Give each beginning an ending that matches it. Let your thoughts breathe.
This would make a really cool recording if there was a way you could do all the different voices and background noises...
Definitely a creative format.
An elegant, and well-written speech. Thanks for sharing (and recording!)
My suggestion? Show more, tell less. Give some solid examples and metaphors for the reader to hold onto. And try to step outside the box when doing so: write about the people who aren't as easily identified as those who have been wronged and need help.
I couldn't tell what medium they were in until I read your comment--they look like they were made with pastels or oil paints or printed on t-shirts from the 90s...
Really cool and creative. It makes the photos seem so much more mysterious and interesting and exciting than if they seemed 100% ordinary.
They could also inspire some cool writing pieces, I bet.
What animal is this? The colors and high contrast are so pretty.
Are they all colored pencil? I also see some watercolor and charcoal (...?)
I can't believe how well you've managed to blend the colors and how realistic these are.
My favorite is the giraffe. And the girl with orange eyeshadow. And the freckled girl with light brown hair.
Beautiful. Please make more :)
I second this! People would love to be able to read lyrics before, after, or while they listen to the music, especially for the parts that are slightly harder to hear.
That said, it really is a beautiful, beautiful piece. You're a really talented musician and singer, and you've already got a unique style. I love the way you play the guitar (...?).
I'm not sure if the crumpling paper at the beginning adds anything to your piece, however, it is a cool idea to use it as an instrument & makes me wonder how else you could use it (crumpling rhythmically throughout the song or tearing off long strips...?).
Please keep on writing and performing and recording and posting music! I realize it's a labor intensive process but we love to hear it, and you'll only get better the more you play.
Thank you both for the feedback. I'll keep it in mind when editing and writing future pieces.