Reply to: The OrchestraTuesday, September 26, 2017 - 5:46am
Comment Author: akite
I've been digging through some of my poetry so I can post it here- This poem being about summer turning to fall makes it seem right to post it now.
Reply to: A Fall DayTuesday, September 26, 2017 - 3:46am
Comment Author: akite
Autumn is my favorite season in Vermont- and each year it feels like a gift to be able to smell the falling leaves and hear the wind singing- I think much of my poetry has to do with the fall. In the autumn it feels even a fantastical fairy tale might be happening right outside your window.
I love the fall!
I wrote this in a not very good mood- but I every time I read it I see my beliefs shown true, and so I keep it as it is- a little angry- a little gloomy- but in my eyes accurate.
Reply to: Alarm ClockMonday, September 25, 2017 - 10:24pm
Comment Author: Haileigh Chagnon
I like this one. I noticed it kind of describes a routine.
Reply to: Queen of DenialMonday, September 25, 2017 - 9:50pm
Comment Author: Firegirl03
Thank you so much, Geoff. Sometimes it's nice to know that I might actually be improving and that I'm not just spitting all this gibberish for no reason. YWP has undoubtedly fostered me as a writer over the years and I am so glad I'm still here five years later.
Reply to: help meMonday, September 25, 2017 - 7:48pm
Comment Author: Hazel.C.
I love how you played with the format, starting out traditionally, then becoming progressively more disjointed (in a good way). I would suggest keeping words generally on the same line until the very end; for "hands trembling" I think it was a little bit too fractured. Otherwise, I think the pauses created while decifering the scrambled text really added to the piece.
Reply to: DifferentMonday, September 25, 2017 - 7:08pm
Comment Author: Hazel.C.
The reversed-cliches (anticliches?) in this poem are really cool! For the second one, I think rewording it slightly, such as "a piece of straw in a needle case" would still keep the opposites while preserving the rhythm.
I also really like the opening lines "You and I are tangled up like the headphones in my pocket". I think for the next couple lines if you specified what/why time is running out (for) it would add to the personal element of this piece.
Reply to: EclipsedMonday, September 25, 2017 - 5:57pm
Comment Author: Maisie N
Thank you! I wish I had enough musical talent to write songs. Unfortunately I am quite tone deaf :( Alas! But thank you so much.
What a universal question you bring out in a simple, daily routine. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions.
Reply to: Dusk and DawnMonday, September 25, 2017 - 5:22pm
Comment Author: kfolley
I like the way that you weave being cloaked in your dreams with fighting consciousness. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions. The final word is so appropriate, but I defer to our editor as to whether she will include that or not if this is published.
Reply to: DreamMonday, September 25, 2017 - 5:16pm
Comment Author: kfolley
I like the little clues that you use to build up to the twist at the end. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions.
Reply to: SnoozeMonday, September 25, 2017 - 5:11pm
Comment Author: kfolley
You recreate that feeling of wanting to resist waking up to in order to tuck back into your dreams. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions.
Reply to: TiredMonday, September 25, 2017 - 5:05pm
Comment Author: kfolley
This made me feel the weight of trying to face another day. I have made some proofreading changes since I am recommending this for publication. To view changes, select Revisions.
Reply to: Daily WarMonday, September 25, 2017 - 4:53pm
Comment Author: kfolley
You make me experience the fog of first awaking. I concur with the other two comments, and with that said, I have edited this so that it is all in present tense, which makes it read more vividly. I am recommending this for publication, so hence, the tense corrections. To view changes, select Revisions.
Reply to: Queen of DenialMonday, September 25, 2017 - 2:49pm
Comment Author: gg
Firegirl,
I do so love this piece and love how much power you bring to the sound -- and visual elements.
I did a tweak on this. I uploaded the art and audio via the ADD MEDIA button. I had forgotten that I had fixed the "audio upload" so that it now takes m4a sound files.
It is amazing, if you will permit me to look backward a bit, to see how far you've come, how much deeper and more powerful and more complex your thinking has become in the time that we've known you.
Thank you for all that you do.
gg
Reply to: Growing UpMonday, September 25, 2017 - 1:31pm
Comment Author: zora.barrett
When I said school keeps getting harder, I meant math!!!!
You have a very strong voice in this piece and you're very funny too because of how honest you are and very specific in putting up details. For example, "No, not another G rated school play." it's really great.
Wow! You language is perfect for the descriptions you write. You're putting beautiful pictures in our heads and allowing us to really SEE the people and place you wrote about. We also get to know the nature of these gods, how connected they are to the world around them. Wonderfully done, keep writing!
This is the kind of piece that makes a person reevaluate who they grew up to be, and ponder how they might change that. You did a wonderful job describing the thrill brought by both books and TV, and capturing exactly how you felt during times of intense emotion. Well done!
Reply to: HomeMonday, September 25, 2017 - 12:39pm
Comment Author: ljlang95
I love to see the honesty and love for the state of Vermont as a home to you. I love how you put tiny details that have clear and vivid images on every single lines. It's great how you connect it to the people around you as well, your family and friends. I think the most powerful part of this poem would be on the 7th line when you said ". . .where everyone is accepted no matter who they are, where our love for our people outweighs the human race's hatred for those who are different." It creates huge statement of openness character of the place. And the repetition also works very well! It connects with each details that adds emphasis on your love why Vermont is home for you. Great work!
Reply to: One Year Monday, September 25, 2017 - 12:37pm
Comment Author: Dramatic456
This is incredible. The heartbreak and pain are evident even through a screen, and your consistent use of statistics in the first two stanzas works well. The last line is a great show of the strength you went through in that one year. Keep writing!
Reply to: ThankfulMonday, September 25, 2017 - 10:41am
Comment Author: Abby_Simmons
Thank you! I really appreciate feedback.
Reply to: ThankfulSunday, September 24, 2017 - 10:20pm
Comment Author: Hazel.C.
This is a really good reminder to appreciate what we have. I especially liked the lines "those on the opposite side of the planet, or the opposite side of the street".
Recent Comments
I've been digging through some of my poetry so I can post it here- This poem being about summer turning to fall makes it seem right to post it now.
Autumn is my favorite season in Vermont- and each year it feels like a gift to be able to smell the falling leaves and hear the wind singing- I think much of my poetry has to do with the fall. In the autumn it feels even a fantastical fairy tale might be happening right outside your window.
I love the fall!
I wrote this in a not very good mood- but I every time I read it I see my beliefs shown true, and so I keep it as it is- a little angry- a little gloomy- but in my eyes accurate.
I like this one. I noticed it kind of describes a routine.
Thank you so much, Geoff. Sometimes it's nice to know that I might actually be improving and that I'm not just spitting all this gibberish for no reason. YWP has undoubtedly fostered me as a writer over the years and I am so glad I'm still here five years later.
I love how you played with the format, starting out traditionally, then becoming progressively more disjointed (in a good way). I would suggest keeping words generally on the same line until the very end; for "hands trembling" I think it was a little bit too fractured. Otherwise, I think the pauses created while decifering the scrambled text really added to the piece.
I absolutely will, thank you!!
The reversed-cliches (anticliches?) in this poem are really cool! For the second one, I think rewording it slightly, such as "a piece of straw in a needle case" would still keep the opposites while preserving the rhythm.
I also really like the opening lines "You and I are tangled up like the headphones in my pocket". I think for the next couple lines if you specified what/why time is running out (for) it would add to the personal element of this piece.
Thank you! I wish I had enough musical talent to write songs. Unfortunately I am quite tone deaf :( Alas! But thank you so much.
What a universal question you bring out in a simple, daily routine. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions.
I like the way that you weave being cloaked in your dreams with fighting consciousness. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions. The final word is so appropriate, but I defer to our editor as to whether she will include that or not if this is published.
I like the little clues that you use to build up to the twist at the end. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions.
You recreate that feeling of wanting to resist waking up to in order to tuck back into your dreams. I am recommending this for publication so have made some proofreading changes. To view changes, select Revisions.
This made me feel the weight of trying to face another day. I have made some proofreading changes since I am recommending this for publication. To view changes, select Revisions.
You make me experience the fog of first awaking. I concur with the other two comments, and with that said, I have edited this so that it is all in present tense, which makes it read more vividly. I am recommending this for publication, so hence, the tense corrections. To view changes, select Revisions.
Firegirl,
I do so love this piece and love how much power you bring to the sound -- and visual elements.
I did a tweak on this. I uploaded the art and audio via the ADD MEDIA button. I had forgotten that I had fixed the "audio upload" so that it now takes m4a sound files.
It is amazing, if you will permit me to look backward a bit, to see how far you've come, how much deeper and more powerful and more complex your thinking has become in the time that we've known you.
Thank you for all that you do.
gg
When I said school keeps getting harder, I meant math!!!!
You have a very strong voice in this piece and you're very funny too because of how honest you are and very specific in putting up details. For example, "No, not another G rated school play." it's really great.
Wow! You language is perfect for the descriptions you write. You're putting beautiful pictures in our heads and allowing us to really SEE the people and place you wrote about. We also get to know the nature of these gods, how connected they are to the world around them. Wonderfully done, keep writing!
This is the kind of piece that makes a person reevaluate who they grew up to be, and ponder how they might change that. You did a wonderful job describing the thrill brought by both books and TV, and capturing exactly how you felt during times of intense emotion. Well done!
I love to see the honesty and love for the state of Vermont as a home to you. I love how you put tiny details that have clear and vivid images on every single lines. It's great how you connect it to the people around you as well, your family and friends. I think the most powerful part of this poem would be on the 7th line when you said ". . .where everyone is accepted no matter who they are, where our love for our people outweighs the human race's hatred for those who are different." It creates huge statement of openness character of the place. And the repetition also works very well! It connects with each details that adds emphasis on your love why Vermont is home for you. Great work!
This is incredible. The heartbreak and pain are evident even through a screen, and your consistent use of statistics in the first two stanzas works well. The last line is a great show of the strength you went through in that one year. Keep writing!
Thank you! I really appreciate feedback.
This is a really good reminder to appreciate what we have. I especially liked the lines "those on the opposite side of the planet, or the opposite side of the street".
thanks so much!