There was such a great element of mystery in this. I couldn't stop reading - you made me feel very eager to get to the bottom of it! The use of red herrings was clever in setting it all up, because the reader cannot help but think, first, that the father is cheating, and then (as you point out) that he's likely stealing medicines to sell illegally.

Tweaking your paragraph structure might help the pace of the piece. It felt to me a little rushed, without quite enough pauses and breaks. Or maybe that was to increase the whirlwind sense of confusion as the narrator attempts to put all the pieces together?

Woah - such immersive writing here. You did a great job of establishing both setting and character, and it wasn't difficult for me to be lost in this short tale. The exploration of human emotion went beyond grief, which was surprising - it was touching (and not in any kind of cheesy way) to read of Edmond at the end, moving past his sadness to find joy and appreciation for the memories he would always carry with him.

My only criticism relates to the mention of murder. It's not that I think that detail shouldn't be included, but another line or two of explanation/back story would help bring the piece together. At the end I still had questions floating around in my mind about the Who and the Why, which was a minor distraction for me.

OOOOOOF

So nice to bump into your poetry again. I can imagine you speaking this. Have you thought of using audio record and putting it to your voice? Or bringing it to a slam?

Nicely done.
gg

This is imaginative and powerful. I hope you didn't mind my putting your narration with it.

What I like most about this is how it takes me so deep in, there is a novel in here, a story with many tendrils.

Thanks so much.

Nean_Bean-Love this. First as a poem... The thoughts, images, flow work well. I think it would be cool to see if you could match more closely the poem around the rhythm of your first stanza. I think that would involve simplifying the lines, removing a few unnecessary words or doing it in fewer syllables. ... As a side note, I loved your use of the word "raucous" though I do hope it was intended and not a confusion with ruckus.

But what great thoughts to share with us, words to act by, words to carry with us. And I agree, let's do that!

Thanks so much for sharing this.

gg

This was great! I love the repetition and the details that come after. Great job, Shannon :)

Hey Girl Hey!!!!!

Lilak1, this poem really got me. It is melancholy and wistful in the best way -- not at all overdone, but quietly conveying the depth of your loss. I love the way you describe your connection to the stream -- watching a rosebud float away -- and how lonely that feels without your companion. The title and your ending are beautiful. I made a couple little edits for clarity -- please check that I haven't misinterpreted anything. If I have, let me know! This is today's Daily Read. Well done!

Sorry, the picture cropped when I uploaded it.

Thank you! I'm so happy that you like my poem.