The Fear of Being Seen

I hate having genuine friends. I hate feeling connection.  I hate how comfortable I feel. I hate how I feel like it’s okay stupid around them.  I hate that I know I’m being genuine around them. If my stupid self is my genuine self I don’t want it. I would rather be alone, with myself who isn’t myself. My biggest fear is to be seen as someone stupid and reactive. That is the kind of person you bring out in me. That person is someone who’s been hiding. I fear the person I really am.

i wrote this a while ago, no edits just pure thoughts. i still struggle with this sometimes though because ive never had any secure idea of who i really am.