To the Human Citizens of Earth

Human Citizens of Earth, 

As the Assistant Warden of Galactic Sector IMB452643, I am responsible for your solar system and thus am deeply concerned about the condition in which you are leaving your planet. In your Earth degrees, the average surface temperature of your planet has risen about 0.9℃. (I’m using Celsius here because American measurement systems are weird.) At this rate, the Arctic ice cap will melt by mid-century. That, in case you didn’t realize, means no more polar bears along with a whole host of terrible things. Please don’t wreck your planet. Our sector has had a clean record for millennia. If you ruin that, my boss will blame it on me and Carla from Sector IMB452645 will gloat for ages. 
Here is a list of other reasons to keep the earth alive and healthy, seeing as you apparently need help. 

 Trust me, you will not like Earth better heated. You don’t stick ice cream in the microwave, do you? 
You will miss maple syrup when it’s gone. 
Despite what many people may think, parallel dimensions with multiple versions of Earth do not exist. Earth is one of a kind. You cannot fly off and get a new Earth when you damage this one. 
Earth has really good gelato. 
Here is a list of facts about the state of your planet and what you are doing to it. 
Yes, it is your fault that Earth is in this condition. It has been kept in near perfect condition since its creation. You messed it up. 
When we designed your planet, we added some really nice oceans. They were sparkling and pristine and filled with life. Now, they’re filled with plastic. 
You may have also noticed that you’re not the only ones on Planet Earth. There are millions of other creatures. Then again, you probably haven’t noticed judging from the way you treat them. 
From where we are, we can see EVERYTHING. If you think no one is watching you drop that Snickers wrapper on the ground, you are WRONG!  (I’m looking at you, Frank!)
Remind me why you need to drive everywhere. We designed you! Trust us, you need the exercise. 
We would also like to make it clear that we did not give you Sexism and Racism. You designed those all on your own. Marginalized groups are bearing the brunt of what you are doing to your planet. Stop being jerks!
Humans are lucky to have landed such a nice planet. We could have put you on Venus. Venus has gas clouds and volcanoes.  It also smells. 

 

Do you know what else is smelly? All of the trash that you dumped everywhere. Seriously, have you people heard of recycling? Composting? 


Let me spell it out for those of you who aren’t listening to the facts. You need to work together to fix these problems. Cooperation tends to get things done. Please stop abusing your planet and start cleaning it up. Help it the way it helps you. If you do not comply, we may be forced to wipe you out and start over. No one would know you ever existed. We have done it before. Ever heard of the Muogoatgagwafretwigudyweo? I thought not.