Madam President
Moderator: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Let’s get ready to rumble! And welcome to the 2040 Presidential Debate. In this corner: your incumbent candidate, the man of the hour. He’s given you such hits as casual racism and blatant sexism. He’s stunned you on the internet! He’s claimed that a global pandemic was a conspiracy designed to hurt his ratings. Please welcome, Ronald “The Man” Manson!!
Ronald waves
The crowd goes wild!!
Moderator: And in this corner! Our challenger approaches… with a focus on improving damages done to foreign policy and quote fixing our broken education system…(scoff) A woman with more degrees than children and a willingness to employ people outside of her family. But will a certain pair of factors make her tougher to elect? I give you Hilarabeth THE ACTUALLY QUALIFIED Woodhull
Hilarabeth waves to the crowd
They aren't fans
Moderator: Well, I guess everyone is supposed to have an equal chance in America. But will (gesture to chest) a certain pair factors make Hillarabeth tougher to elect? We’ll see tonight. First question for Mr. Manson… as tensions escalate between the US and… (count on fingers) well everyone, how do you plan to address foreign policy concerns?
Ronald: Uh well I’ll just kinda, (gestures vaguely) make it great. We’re gonna make sure more poor people die of preventable causes! We’ll make the middle class responsible for supplementing minimum wage incomes for employees of the super rich! That’s right! We’re gonna make the rich people richer. AND We're bringing tanks, beautiful tanks, because there's really good people on both sides and they all love tanks. Don't you--I love tanks! We’ll make it great. And when I say great I mean great. Like so so great it’s gonna be great. No one has ever done great greater than me. I’m great
Moderator: Alright, next question for Betty--
Hilarabeth: It’s Hillarabeth
Moderator: Sure, Betty. Anyway, what’s your favorite vacuum cleaner?
Hilarabeth: I don’t have one, but I do have a plan for universal healthcare?
Moderator: Don’t evade the question!
Moderator: Next question, (gestures to chest) How big, huh?
Ronald: Great question, great question
Hilarabeth: Well, not as big as our National debt, which I plan on minimizing over the next four years with this direct and documented plan I’d like to share with y--
Moderator: She’ll never be president.
Hilarabeth: That was a disaster
Cam: I know, I know
Hilarabeth: This is the third time this week someone’s asked about my boobs! What do I do?
Cam: I don’t know
Hilarabeth: Cmon, you’re Cam the Campaign manager, you’ve gotta have something!
Cam: I don’t think we’ve given enough thought to the chop all your hair off plan.
Hilarabeth: We tried that and the polls said I needed to use my “feminine charm to appeal to voters”
Cam: we need to make you more presidential…
Hilarabeth: How do we do that?
Cam: Step 1: work on your golf swing
Hilarabeth: What does that have to do with- hey wait! What’s wrong with my golf swing?
She demonstrates. It’s bad
Cam: There is nothing I can do to make that better. Let’s work on your speech voice. Repeat after me “my fellow Americans”
Hilarabeth: My fellow Americans
Cam: More masculine
Hilarabeth (a la Bill Clinton): My fellow Americans, I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Cam: Imagine you’re chopping down a cherry tree
Hilarabeth: Uhh my fellow americans? The history books say my teeth were wood but they were really stolen from the mouths of enslaved men while I claimed to fight for freedom and equality?
Cam: Like you have a really big hat!
Hilarabeth: This isn’t working! God what if they’re right? What if I’m not presidential? What if I never will be?
Ronald: You won’t
Hilarabeth: RONALD? How’d you get in here?
Ronald: When you’re rich they let you in anywhere. (Blows kiss)
Hilarabeth: Yuck
Ronald: But I’m still the president and I’m gonna be president again. Face it, I’m just more presidential than you’ll ever be. (He makes a fart noise) Plus you aren’t even hot. You’re like a New York 5 and a Minnesota 6. Now my daughter is a 10. A MEGA 10. My daughter is hot. So hot.
Hilarabeth: That’s disgusting
Ronald: Later losers! I’m gonna go destroy a country!
Cam: You feel like that guy is just… too awful to be real? Like no real human could ever be that...?
Hilarabeth: Sometimes, yeah. But now, HE’S gonna be president...AGAIN!
Cam: Hey. Not if we have anything to say about it. Look, you just go out there, you tell those people how you’re gonna make their country better… you be the President.
Hilarabeth: I don’t know…
Cam: Hey, what are we?
Hilarabeth: Cam…
Cam: What are we?
Hilarabeth: Americans
Cam: I can’t hear you!
Hilarabeth: AMERICANS!
Cam: What do we want?
Hilarabeth: A good president!
Cam: When do we want it?
Hilarabeth: 20 years ago!
Cam: That’s the AMERICAN spirit!
Transition
Moderator: Welcome back to the 20-something presidential debate. We have some more thrilling yelling and political jargon for you. (he sighs) My dad warned me this would happen if I went to art school… First question…
Ronald Manson: Uh actually first, I have a question. Betty, what is that delectable smell? Is that your hair?
Hilarabeth: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Ronald Manson: Is that watermelon?
Moderator: Mr. President, stop
Ronald: (another deep sniff): Is that coconut?
Moderator: Mr. President please don't sniff me or your political opponent. MOVING on. Mr. President, the current Senate includes 116 members. Only 26 are female. Do you think America should prioritize better representation and diversity in its federal government?
Ronald: no,
Moderator: No?
Ronald. No. You take a look at a woman, and well, I mean, they look great in office, but are they great? No. Because periods.
Hilarabeth: You know, that’s really sexist
Ronald: I can’t be sexist, I love women. They’re great. My daughter is a woman, my 7 wives have all been women. Some of my favorite non-disclosure agreements are signed by women
Moderator: Betty--
Hilarabeth: It’s Hilara- oh nevermind
Moderator: What do you say to the claims that women are too “emotional” be president
Hilarabeth: Well, I think emotions are a strength, not a weakness. Empathetic leadership is how you ensure that-
Ronald: Wrong
Hilarabeth: I wasn’t done spea--
Ronald: See. Too emotional
Moderator: Sir, what do you say to the teenagers on Tock-Ticker who don’t like you
Ronald: (cries)Nasty, nasty kids!
He starts weeping
Moderator: Folks, there you have it. An emotional Ronald Manson. Wow. What strength. You know, being willing to be vulnerable is truly the sign of a great leader
Hilarabeth: You’ve got to be kidding me
Transition
Hilarabeth: Election day is coming up…
Cam: I know
Hilarabeth: I really need to win. I can’t deal with four more years of a senile, sexist idiot for a president
Cam: I don’t think you’re alone
Hilarabeth: Sure feels like it
Cam: But you aren’t the only one he’s been horrible to! What about all the people in Greenland, he bought their country and he only played golf there once before giving it to Russia! THEY probably hate him!
Hilarabeth: Yeah but they aren’t voters. And now they’ll probably never vote again. Mne zhal'
Cam: What about all the FBI people he tried to fire and replace with specially trained chipmunks? The Federal Bureau of Investigation probably participates in democracy!
Hilarabeth: Yeah!
Cam: Not to mention like all the people of color he called criminals and thugs and rapists! Or the religious minorities he claimed weren’t Americans! And all the people with environmental scientists and epidemiologists... They probably aren’t [big] fans! If they all vote…
Hilarabeth: If.
Cam (sighs): If...
Transition
Moderator: Welcome to the final Election Day Debate, where you the voting public can ask one more question before you head to the polls
Little girl in the audience raises her hand
Mom: Honey shush!!
Moderator: You there! With the pigtails!
Little girl: Do you think I could be president someday?
Ronald: Well, you’re certainly not hot. But women are doing great. It is a very scary time for young men in America, where you can be guilty of something you may not be guilty of. But Look at that face. Would anybody vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. "Does she look presidential, fellas? Give me a break.
Little Girl: *sniffle*
Hillarabeth: You’ve got to be kidding me! You’re just going to let him say that! Absolutely not! You can be whatever you want to be, don’t let insecure, whiny, over grown CHILDREN belittle you. You are so much more mature and intelligent than he’ll ever be. I believe in you. And I believe that we live in a country that values you, that sees you and believes that your voice matters, your opinions matter, and your future matters.
Ronald: All opinions matter.
Hilarabeth: SERIOUSLY??.
Child: Thank you Ms. Hilarabeth…
Moderator: Well… if that is all the questions we have today… we’re still waitin on the last few votes and, ah, here we go!
He opens an envelope
Moderator: And the winner of the 20-something presidential election is… surprising no one… Ronald Manson!
Cam: Well, crap
Moderator: Wait… it’s the wrong envelope? What do you mean it’s the wrong envelope? This is the most important night in America; it's the wrong envelope. Oh whatever. Give it here. And your real president is… La La Land. Wait, that can’t be right… no… your real president is…. Hilarabeth Woodhull!
Ronald: FAKE NEWS!
Hilarabeth: Finally.
Pigtails: Finally!
Moderator: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Let’s get ready to rumble! And welcome to the 2040 Presidential Debate. In this corner: your incumbent candidate, the man of the hour. He’s given you such hits as casual racism and blatant sexism. He’s stunned you on the internet! He’s claimed that a global pandemic was a conspiracy designed to hurt his ratings. Please welcome, Ronald “The Man” Manson!!
Ronald waves
The crowd goes wild!!
Moderator: And in this corner! Our challenger approaches… with a focus on improving damages done to foreign policy and quote fixing our broken education system…(scoff) A woman with more degrees than children and a willingness to employ people outside of her family. But will a certain pair of factors make her tougher to elect? I give you Hilarabeth THE ACTUALLY QUALIFIED Woodhull
Hilarabeth waves to the crowd
They aren't fans
Moderator: Well, I guess everyone is supposed to have an equal chance in America. But will (gesture to chest) a certain pair factors make Hillarabeth tougher to elect? We’ll see tonight. First question for Mr. Manson… as tensions escalate between the US and… (count on fingers) well everyone, how do you plan to address foreign policy concerns?
Ronald: Uh well I’ll just kinda, (gestures vaguely) make it great. We’re gonna make sure more poor people die of preventable causes! We’ll make the middle class responsible for supplementing minimum wage incomes for employees of the super rich! That’s right! We’re gonna make the rich people richer. AND We're bringing tanks, beautiful tanks, because there's really good people on both sides and they all love tanks. Don't you--I love tanks! We’ll make it great. And when I say great I mean great. Like so so great it’s gonna be great. No one has ever done great greater than me. I’m great
Moderator: Alright, next question for Betty--
Hilarabeth: It’s Hillarabeth
Moderator: Sure, Betty. Anyway, what’s your favorite vacuum cleaner?
Hilarabeth: I don’t have one, but I do have a plan for universal healthcare?
Moderator: Don’t evade the question!
Moderator: Next question, (gestures to chest) How big, huh?
Ronald: Great question, great question
Hilarabeth: Well, not as big as our National debt, which I plan on minimizing over the next four years with this direct and documented plan I’d like to share with y--
Moderator: She’ll never be president.
Hilarabeth: That was a disaster
Cam: I know, I know
Hilarabeth: This is the third time this week someone’s asked about my boobs! What do I do?
Cam: I don’t know
Hilarabeth: Cmon, you’re Cam the Campaign manager, you’ve gotta have something!
Cam: I don’t think we’ve given enough thought to the chop all your hair off plan.
Hilarabeth: We tried that and the polls said I needed to use my “feminine charm to appeal to voters”
Cam: we need to make you more presidential…
Hilarabeth: How do we do that?
Cam: Step 1: work on your golf swing
Hilarabeth: What does that have to do with- hey wait! What’s wrong with my golf swing?
She demonstrates. It’s bad
Cam: There is nothing I can do to make that better. Let’s work on your speech voice. Repeat after me “my fellow Americans”
Hilarabeth: My fellow Americans
Cam: More masculine
Hilarabeth (a la Bill Clinton): My fellow Americans, I did not have sexual relations with that woman.
Cam: Imagine you’re chopping down a cherry tree
Hilarabeth: Uhh my fellow americans? The history books say my teeth were wood but they were really stolen from the mouths of enslaved men while I claimed to fight for freedom and equality?
Cam: Like you have a really big hat!
Hilarabeth: This isn’t working! God what if they’re right? What if I’m not presidential? What if I never will be?
Ronald: You won’t
Hilarabeth: RONALD? How’d you get in here?
Ronald: When you’re rich they let you in anywhere. (Blows kiss)
Hilarabeth: Yuck
Ronald: But I’m still the president and I’m gonna be president again. Face it, I’m just more presidential than you’ll ever be. (He makes a fart noise) Plus you aren’t even hot. You’re like a New York 5 and a Minnesota 6. Now my daughter is a 10. A MEGA 10. My daughter is hot. So hot.
Hilarabeth: That’s disgusting
Ronald: Later losers! I’m gonna go destroy a country!
Cam: You feel like that guy is just… too awful to be real? Like no real human could ever be that...?
Hilarabeth: Sometimes, yeah. But now, HE’S gonna be president...AGAIN!
Cam: Hey. Not if we have anything to say about it. Look, you just go out there, you tell those people how you’re gonna make their country better… you be the President.
Hilarabeth: I don’t know…
Cam: Hey, what are we?
Hilarabeth: Cam…
Cam: What are we?
Hilarabeth: Americans
Cam: I can’t hear you!
Hilarabeth: AMERICANS!
Cam: What do we want?
Hilarabeth: A good president!
Cam: When do we want it?
Hilarabeth: 20 years ago!
Cam: That’s the AMERICAN spirit!
Transition
Moderator: Welcome back to the 20-something presidential debate. We have some more thrilling yelling and political jargon for you. (he sighs) My dad warned me this would happen if I went to art school… First question…
Ronald Manson: Uh actually first, I have a question. Betty, what is that delectable smell? Is that your hair?
Hilarabeth: You have GOT to be kidding me.
Ronald Manson: Is that watermelon?
Moderator: Mr. President, stop
Ronald: (another deep sniff): Is that coconut?
Moderator: Mr. President please don't sniff me or your political opponent. MOVING on. Mr. President, the current Senate includes 116 members. Only 26 are female. Do you think America should prioritize better representation and diversity in its federal government?
Ronald: no,
Moderator: No?
Ronald. No. You take a look at a woman, and well, I mean, they look great in office, but are they great? No. Because periods.
Hilarabeth: You know, that’s really sexist
Ronald: I can’t be sexist, I love women. They’re great. My daughter is a woman, my 7 wives have all been women. Some of my favorite non-disclosure agreements are signed by women
Moderator: Betty--
Hilarabeth: It’s Hilara- oh nevermind
Moderator: What do you say to the claims that women are too “emotional” be president
Hilarabeth: Well, I think emotions are a strength, not a weakness. Empathetic leadership is how you ensure that-
Ronald: Wrong
Hilarabeth: I wasn’t done spea--
Ronald: See. Too emotional
Moderator: Sir, what do you say to the teenagers on Tock-Ticker who don’t like you
Ronald: (cries)Nasty, nasty kids!
He starts weeping
Moderator: Folks, there you have it. An emotional Ronald Manson. Wow. What strength. You know, being willing to be vulnerable is truly the sign of a great leader
Hilarabeth: You’ve got to be kidding me
Transition
Hilarabeth: Election day is coming up…
Cam: I know
Hilarabeth: I really need to win. I can’t deal with four more years of a senile, sexist idiot for a president
Cam: I don’t think you’re alone
Hilarabeth: Sure feels like it
Cam: But you aren’t the only one he’s been horrible to! What about all the people in Greenland, he bought their country and he only played golf there once before giving it to Russia! THEY probably hate him!
Hilarabeth: Yeah but they aren’t voters. And now they’ll probably never vote again. Mne zhal'
Cam: What about all the FBI people he tried to fire and replace with specially trained chipmunks? The Federal Bureau of Investigation probably participates in democracy!
Hilarabeth: Yeah!
Cam: Not to mention like all the people of color he called criminals and thugs and rapists! Or the religious minorities he claimed weren’t Americans! And all the people with environmental scientists and epidemiologists... They probably aren’t [big] fans! If they all vote…
Hilarabeth: If.
Cam (sighs): If...
Transition
Moderator: Welcome to the final Election Day Debate, where you the voting public can ask one more question before you head to the polls
Little girl in the audience raises her hand
Mom: Honey shush!!
Moderator: You there! With the pigtails!
Little girl: Do you think I could be president someday?
Ronald: Well, you’re certainly not hot. But women are doing great. It is a very scary time for young men in America, where you can be guilty of something you may not be guilty of. But Look at that face. Would anybody vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? I mean, she's a woman, and I'm not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. "Does she look presidential, fellas? Give me a break.
Little Girl: *sniffle*
Hillarabeth: You’ve got to be kidding me! You’re just going to let him say that! Absolutely not! You can be whatever you want to be, don’t let insecure, whiny, over grown CHILDREN belittle you. You are so much more mature and intelligent than he’ll ever be. I believe in you. And I believe that we live in a country that values you, that sees you and believes that your voice matters, your opinions matter, and your future matters.
Ronald: All opinions matter.
Hilarabeth: SERIOUSLY??.
Child: Thank you Ms. Hilarabeth…
Moderator: Well… if that is all the questions we have today… we’re still waitin on the last few votes and, ah, here we go!
He opens an envelope
Moderator: And the winner of the 20-something presidential election is… surprising no one… Ronald Manson!
Cam: Well, crap
Moderator: Wait… it’s the wrong envelope? What do you mean it’s the wrong envelope? This is the most important night in America; it's the wrong envelope. Oh whatever. Give it here. And your real president is… La La Land. Wait, that can’t be right… no… your real president is…. Hilarabeth Woodhull!
Ronald: FAKE NEWS!
Hilarabeth: Finally.
Pigtails: Finally!
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