Towards the Sun

People see me run 

towards the sun

but they don't see

what I’m running from.

I chase one high after another,

picking up the pace to outpace the monster

but when dusk comes

and all goes quiet

the back of my mind drums,

becomes the giant.

Out there I look happy,

outside I look fine.

Fake a smile for the party,

believe in laughter for a time.

But honestly,

in here deep inside me,

I must confess it's not too kind.

My ego weighs my actions,

making marks and calculations

of how much I impose a burden

and whether I serve good purpose.

I go out and have a blast

pretending I’m not broken

and everything goes fun and fast,

but when I come back, it's waiting,

like a storm coming,

listing how I deserve terrible things

because of all my shortcomings,

and I cannot stop it

just distract and ignore it

but it's always there

scolding and judging 

every 

little

thing.

So I do theater and sports 

because I can't sit still with myself.

And mix with people of all sorts 

because I don't want to be alone.

So sorry if you thought

that I was actually alive,

like I’d never want to die

- totally never crossed my mind -

Turns out I’m just a fraud,

living a lie 

trying to be liked

and praying that maybe,

hopefully,

if I fake it,

I would finally make it,

and all of this would go away.

And it kind of works

but,

I can't be alone.

Please.

Don't 

leave

me

alone.

I’m scared. I don't know what to do. It's not safe in my head.

Engage me.

Now.

Don't let me think

a single layer 

past the present.

I need to flee 

somehow…

Don't let me sink

in the quicksand blur

ever omnipresent.

I

Run run run

without looking back

and work work work

without cutting slack,

keep talking,

keep going,

overwork myself,

overstack my shelf,

wake up sore in the morning,

over-schedule a ton,

because I’d rather work myself to death

than face what's inside my head

one

more 

time.