Unbidden

they well up
Liquid diappointment
all muddled together
makes shame and anger
at the world, at myself
at life
becomes xyresic blades
slicing up the girl inside
puncturing holes in my fabricated 
pride, or is it confidence?
Drowning salt water with a showerhead
The blades sharpened again
with my disgust in myself
at the rivers of salt I've created
over what?
I try to scrub away my cares
my wounds, my insecurities
until my skin becomes raw
scars near invisible
yet still ever present
Both are right
and both are wrong
shades of gray
while every inch of my record
of choices, are wrong,
wrong,
wrong.
How many times have I
stewed in the River of Styx
gulping its gifts greedily
Out of sight, out of mind
It may be easier, but
leaves my armor open
to trip on the same rock
no wonder this moment
feels ever so familiar
a pity that my tears
can't buy any answers
eyes are exhausted now
limned with red 
they've released all my pent up
overflowing raw emotion
reveling in the icy water
that keeps me awake just long enough
to text a friend
their unknowingness
a balm for the fractured state of mind
flop on the welcoming sheets
smile, & sleep