Virus Tides

I don't want to write
about this virus anymore
Don't care that this will be part of history
I just want this chapter over
But today, life's not giving me a say
Just gotta take the hand I'm dealt
And watch as this time fades away

I am drowning
Tides of periwinkle masks
and suspicious eyes
Chained to this bed
as the water level rises
I choke on despondent news casts
And articles saying we're never going back
The murky water fills my lungs
Until it's all I can breathe out
Fills my heart, my blood stream
Until it's cold and afraid
It floods my being
running through my veins
as I try to hold my breath
lying to my quivering heart
when I say
it'll be over soon

The glass on the windowsill
fills to the brim
with my briny tears
infused with sunlight
and dissolved memories
separating into ions
changing, ever so slightly
When I gulp it down
I only thirst for more
Unbearably dehydrated
Poison
of my own making
But I tell myself
at least the glass is full

But even so,
my pen will not stop writing
on the drenched pages
that I'll never get to rewrite
The ink bleeds through
and stains
every future chapter I'll ever write
this life of mine
will never be the same
making every memory of Before
look that much more precious
Wishing I could tell the girl I was
You are lucky

My ink has turned midnight blue
a slow progression of color
from the start
to now
As I bleed on the paper
the fiery reds
extinguished
Shivering in this new world
I don't like this

I won't close my eyes though
and pretend this is a dream
I'm cursed with
the need to know
like a horror movie
you're deathly afraid of
but won't turn off
This is the train wreck
You can't look
away from
My eyes are stinging
assaulted by salt
it would be so easy
to just screw them shut

But I will never shut my eyes
as long as I live
because if I do
I'm not sure I'll ever
want to open them again
it would be giving up
the knowledge I need to survive
In this new ocean world
nobody knows quite
what it'll look like
would be surrendering
to the ocean currents whim
I refuse to set myself up
for failure

So yes, I may be drowning
But I'll hang on
chained to my bed
lying to my being
gulping down my tears
resisting the urge to sleep
not giving up
In hopes of a tomorrow
even though
I've already gone under
And although I despise
the blue of my blood
I have to accept me as I am
to keep writing my story
as I drift in these
virus tides