If I had a spirit that watches over me, how would this spirit be? This spirit would be myself, a fluid self, a bit smarter self, but neither the less, myself. They look like me, act like me, think like me since I'm them and they are me. I can't see or hear them outside, and because of that, it’s a struggle to communicate with them.
But they find their own ways to help me. They are the voices in my head that tell me to not do something stupid. They help me apprehend things by making me fixate on small things to get the bigger picture.
They’re the gut feeling I get to tell me something is wrong. And although they are the reasons I live and survive, they are also the reason I weep and stress.
They can be degrading and tell me that everyone is staring and judging, how no one really cares, how everything is not worth it for me.
They tell me to review everything single thought over and over and over. They cause me to bite and pick at my skin and nails to compensate and tell me it’ll help. They were so nice before, what happened? They used to tell me to be brave at the doctor’s office when getting a shot and always tell me it won't hurt and how they’re so proud. But now they pester me, saying that it’ll be the worst pain that’ll ever happen, reminding me of all the times before.
They’ll boost my confidence to help me talk to other people, telling me that I will always be worth something and how other people can't change that. Now they’re spreading anxiety anytime I see a person, saying just how worthless they think I am. Making me sob and cry for every mistake I make and all the mistakes born before.
I just want to ask them why they must be like this, why can't they be how they were when I was younger, why can’t I just be nice to myself. Who made us, me like this. Why do I shackle myself into a never-ending pit of pain and disappointment? Sure I can do the bare minimum to have myself survive, but when can I lose the guiltiness of trying to please myself. Can't we love ourselves, can I just love myself?
But they find their own ways to help me. They are the voices in my head that tell me to not do something stupid. They help me apprehend things by making me fixate on small things to get the bigger picture.
They’re the gut feeling I get to tell me something is wrong. And although they are the reasons I live and survive, they are also the reason I weep and stress.
They can be degrading and tell me that everyone is staring and judging, how no one really cares, how everything is not worth it for me.
They tell me to review everything single thought over and over and over. They cause me to bite and pick at my skin and nails to compensate and tell me it’ll help. They were so nice before, what happened? They used to tell me to be brave at the doctor’s office when getting a shot and always tell me it won't hurt and how they’re so proud. But now they pester me, saying that it’ll be the worst pain that’ll ever happen, reminding me of all the times before.
They’ll boost my confidence to help me talk to other people, telling me that I will always be worth something and how other people can't change that. Now they’re spreading anxiety anytime I see a person, saying just how worthless they think I am. Making me sob and cry for every mistake I make and all the mistakes born before.
I just want to ask them why they must be like this, why can't they be how they were when I was younger, why can’t I just be nice to myself. Who made us, me like this. Why do I shackle myself into a never-ending pit of pain and disappointment? Sure I can do the bare minimum to have myself survive, but when can I lose the guiltiness of trying to please myself. Can't we love ourselves, can I just love myself?
Comments
Log in or register to post comments.