Dec 28

My Common App Essay (parody)

“According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway. Because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.”

When I first heard this quote during the first minute of the Bee Movie, my kindergarten self immediately recognized how profound it was. It was up there with The Leviathan by Hobbes and The Republic by Plato (all works that I have read cover-to-cover, unlike the other scums in my AP Literature class).

Now as I sit in my boring AP Physics class, writing this essay instead of working on a spreadsheet, I’ve realized that my life has been more colorful than the run-down, coal-mining town of Podunk.

I was born in an upper-middle class family that had the misfortune of settling down in Podunk, West Virginia. My parents, two hardworking immigrants who I admire for their grit, determination, perseverance, tenacity, persistence, and indefatigability, had failed to read through the course offerings of Podunk High School. Not only did Podunk High School only have 14 APs, they also failed to provide a completely separate Drug Lobby for the academically inclined. How could the students of Podunk possibly compete with the highly-depressed, massively stressed-out students of Georgetown Preparatory School who run on only two hours of sleep and a bottle of caffeine pills per night? While Georgetown Prep has produced nationally prominent figures such as Brett Kavanaugh, Podunk has only produced a human-rights activist.

Despite my calamitous situation, I endeavored to make the most out of what I had. To show my passion for giving back to the community, I had my parents pay for a $10,000 program to go to Tanzania and help starving children. During my five hours of interacting with them and almost gagging at the sight of their bloated bellies, my view of the world changed radically as I realized there is still so much injustice in this world. While spending the next two weeks sitting in a Jeep vlogging the wildebeests, zebras, and crocodiles that roamed in the luscious Serengeti National Park on my new iPhone X, I came to the conclusion that my life goal is to solve World Hunger. While Gutenberg invented the printing press, bringing literacy to the masses and Salk invented the polio vaccine, un-bringing polio to the masses, I will bring a full belly to the masses. No one will be left starving by 2030 should I become elected as World Leader.

Of course, I have also met my fair share of tragedies. In my AP BC Calculus class that I took when I was a freshman, I received a 97 on my first test. How could this be? I thought I knew how to find where the concavity of a function changes. But through my sheer grit, determination, perseverance, tenacity, persistence, and indefatigability, I brought my grade back up to a 103. Through my nights of grinding out problem sets with my TI-Nspire, I was able to overcome the biggest obstacle of my life. I learned that making mistakes is okay.

When I received the news that I had not only become valedictorian, but also valedictorian of the next five graduating classes because my GPA was simply too high, I had a life-changing epiphany. I was exactly like the bee (not sure what his name is because I didn’t finish the movie. After all, I am a cultured citizen, bucking the stereotype that teens are nothing more than the vapid, illiterate, and social-media obsessed minions of a consumerist society). According to all known laws of society, there is no way a poor (not financially, but in a lacking academically-successful friends sort of way) student like me should be able to fly (high above the rest of the students at Podunk). However, I have done the impossible during my time at Podunk. As I graduate from Podunk, I look forward to the numerous opportunities for prestige ahead at Goldman Sachs.