bugss

The day I arrived in your home that summer, your mother broke our tradition.

i am looking through your music
albums you’ve curated
tailoring them to fill my fantasy of you.

it would be easier to decieve myself with anyone else.
easier to find lyrics that match what i feel in my chest

i was overwhelmed by a certain kind of reverence
when you told me about the day you had with your friends.
i felt astonishingly close to you.

because i can see where you love them as they love you,
and know i do the same.

i dont even like you that much 
as a person or as a lover

it's only that you understand me. 
so you are closer than anyone else.

im so afraid of hurting people.

on this mild night i wandered. 

crossing winding backroads,
damp and rotten with crisp fallen leaves and earth
and cold stone quarries full of chasm river mists 
from woods of cedar bark. 

i can’t speak to you without my chest clenching for fear that my missteps will prove me to be the person i couldn’t bear for you to see
so much so that i no longer see myself