Accismus

Accisamus:

an ironic rhetorical device, in which one feigns indifference, or makes a pretense of refusing something one desires.

I can't help but to think that just maybe,

It could've been you. 

Because I saw the smile on your face when I saw you today

And I can't help but to think that it was because you saw me too.

We exchanged pathetic high-fives and laughed while your sister and my friend stood there, staring.

I couldn't stop smiling. Oh, that moment made my day.

Your sister asked who my best friend was, and I couldn't answer that question, otherwise, she would hate me.

Because the honest answer to that question is you, you are my best friend.

And no matter how much I ask for more,

You will never be more than just a friend.

Maybe, just maybe, I'm okay with that.

Because I am so grateful to have you in my life,

Even if you aren't more than a friend.

Because the moments where we are laughing together,

That's all I need.

I had this dream of a mystery guy.

He held open the door and smiled like he loved me,

And he took me to a movie,

Didn't judge me when I drank my root beer with a Red Vines,

Or when I put all the sour Skittles in the popcorn.

We sat there laughing silently,

But the exit sign started to look weird and the speakers blasted an alarm sound.

When I woke to the sound of my 6:00 alarm, 

I couldn't help but wonder if that could've been you.

Because I can imagine us having so much fun at the movies. 

Watching something childish and enjoying it because we both love to live.

We would hold hands and skip out of the theater,

Trying not to spill popcorn and laughing hysterically. 

I would fall asleep on your shoulder on the drive home,

Your hand in mine.

I feel it, like it's not just a daydream.

So, maybe that could've been you.

I love it when you tell me about your crazy plans.

Like owning a super-bike, or a really cool, expensive car.

You got so excited that one night,

"like imagine one day you wanna hang out and I'm like okay I'll be there and then ur there and waiting and I pull up on a bike AHH I can't." 

You sent me that text and I giggled,

Thinking about you pulling up to my house on a motorcycle.

I can see myself with my arms around you as we ride down old dirt roads,

And I want it so badly.

I imagine riding up and down the roads that line this town,

On a dirtbike.

Mystery guy is back.

And yet again, I can't help but to think that maybe that could be you.

I love it when you are happy, especially when Evelyn isn't involved.

I respect her, but I am so jealous of what she has.

I just wish that it could've been me.

I wish I were with you

That's been my 11:11 wish for as long as I can remember.

I thought of you today when I heard your favorite song on the radio.

You love that song, it's magical

You knew I would understand, and I did.

I think I've memorized all the lyrics now,

After listening to it on repeat for months.

I can't hear any of my own favorites from that period of major obsession,

Because they bring me back to that time in my life,

The time I so desperately wish to go back to.

I wish I could go back to that time so I could rethink everything.

Every moment, every time I tried to talk to you and failed.

I want to redo it all.

I want to see your smile for the first time again,

And sing your favorite songs, and sit in that one chair you loved.

I want to pretend that we were a thing again.

I want to give you a nickname and scream it when I see you,

I want what I thought we had.

One last chance? Please…?

I still like you a lot,

And I doubt that will ever stop.

But maybe I can be okay with "just friends"

Flirty friends, yes.

Friends who look at eachother like more than friends, yes.

Friends who talk to eachother like a couple, yes.

But just friends.

Because you have her, and I have the thought of you.

And I will regret everything I did last year,

But it brought me to you, and it brought me to now.

Everyone thought we would end up together, 

I hope you know they were all so hopeful.

They still are. 

And maybe, one day,

Sometime in the future,

Just maybe,

That can be us.