believe

edited version of my former work posted 2+ years ago

when i was seven

i still believed in fairy tales

i still wanted to wear a crown, be a princess

have someone look up to me and say

i am beautiful; i am smart

i am everything everyone wants to be: perfect

but perfection isn't a real thing

it's a construct humanity created so we

just set the bar higher for the next person

expecting them to pass it with ease when in reality

their legs shake as they give themselves a running shot.

when i was eight

i still believed in fairy tales

i still believed in true love

i had crushes on girls and pretended to like the popular boys

just like everyone else because that was normal then

and i would sit on the girls side of the lunch table 

listening as they all talked about those sitting a foot away 

and when they asked me "who do you like?"

i'd stutter; brain freeze moment;

say the name of a random boy in our class

they'd nod and move on to their next victim

i was nothing to them

when i was nine

i still believed in peace

i would run in random racing events

i would scream to loud music

i would hate arguing with my friends and 

i would lie on my back

staring at the sky and allowing myself to believe

that the world was calm

that everything would be okay

that nothing was wrong with anything

when i was ten 

i still believed i could chase my dreams

i played intense ice hockey and i was proud of that

i was proud of being stronger than all the girls and 

9/10 of the boys in my grade, even

if the girls would talk shit about me behind my back

at least they were smart enough

to not let me hear the things they said

i used my strength to my advantage and began my questioning of

"am i a girl" and "what does it mean to be female?"

when i was eleven

i still believed i was a girl

i had long hair, i wore short skirts and t-shirts and pink

i was comfortable with myself 

i started my period 37 minutes into a school day in October

and i just accepted it

my mom bought me a box of pads

i got used to the feeling, dripping away

go the last strands of feeling female

as the boys shut me out; as the girls start to talk more and more

gossip about how many boyfriends i had when in reality

my brain started to form the all-too-familiar thought that

i don't deserve love

when i was twelve

i still believed people could change

the world was shut down, i fell into the internet rabbit hole

someone packed TNT into the entrance and blew it up 

so i could never climb out because down here

it is dark

it is cold

it is lonely

but it is home to someone who feels like they never had one

when i was thirteen

impulsive decisions led me to a place netflix shows love to cover

the light blinding me from seeing anything but darkness

everying asking "are you okay"

but when i talk they don't listen or answer me

hello? is anyone there? or am i alone again?

and yet six months of intensive therapy must end up doing something

because now i'm still here.

when i was fourteen

i forgot what it meant to be happy and to truly love myself

for myself instead of the achievements that lined my windowsills

i prized my hands over the art they created

i prized my mind over the things i thought

i prized the factors of me over the products that mattered

and it shattered me every time someone 

suggested i wasn't enough.

when i was fifteen

my pride kept me from performing at my best

every mistake played though my head on a highlight reel

if i worked harder, would i be more satisfied?

if i sacrificed every part of me, what would be left for people

to appreciate instead of objectify?

any shred of happiness invalidates the narrative i've lived since eleven

humans are used to and find peace in comfort 

and i grew comfortable with the darkness in my head

and i couldn't stand to be without it because who am i 

without the thing that's defined me for four years?

now i'm sixteen.

sometimes i feel like i'm going insane

sometimes i feel like nothing i do will ever matter

sometimes i feel like i'll be sad forever

sometimes i lie to myself and i listen to those lies

because i have nothing left to believe and put my trust in

but i've fought all this way

to learn to love myself

to learn to take care of myself

to learn that i deserve better than what my mind tells me i do

three years ago

i would have never said

i deserve love

i deserve to be happy

and even though i now say it with a smile made of plaster

i think i can believe in fairy tales again.

at least

i hope i'll be able to.