do they even care?

i wonder sometimes,
as i'm typing out message number five,
a paragraph pleading for an answer,
i wonder if they actually care

i wonder if i didn't text first,
would they try to reach out?
would they remember the girl,
the one they call their best friend?

i sit here for hours,
waiting for a response that'll never come
wondering if i actually matter to them
words of anger and betrayal, forgotten the second i get a message

i feel remembered again the second i see them typing
but it's just another, "i'm srry"
then they disappear again
its over

i tell myself over and over,
it's not worth it, leave them for a few days
see if they still care,
when you aren't the one texting first

it never works, i can only wait so long
i type out yet another begging text
my brain worried now
hoping they are okay

desperate measures
overthinking and over-texting
"i'm busy" and "can't talk"
but when we have a real conversation, they say they loved it

these days i think are so strange
the most engaged conversations are through a screen
i can't say too much before my texts get screenshotted 
and sent to three different group chats that i'm not in

"gn" and "ttyl"
is it too much to spell out "goodnight"?
i sit there wondering, hoping they aren't mad
"are you mad?" i send, my fingers tapping, tapping, tapping

no answer for hours.
it's almost like everyone waits until they know i won't respond,
do they like being left on delivered for hours and hours?
i don't think i could handle leaving someone on read

i stay up until i know they are asleep
but they respond at one in the morning
i can't do this anymore
"please, please please…"

i still sit here every night
wondering if they would still care
if i wasn't the one 
texting first