Pick it up
put it down
Pick it up again
check
Just one more time
Just one more time
Just one more time
As my eyes well up
and my lip quivers
I stare
at that one picture
at that one dream
at that one fantasy
at “us”
but now it’s just me
and now it’s just you
Pick it up
put it down
Pick it up again
stare
Just one more time
Just one more time
Just one more time
Wailing
my mother’s arms wrapped around me
I feel myself
shrink
I feel myself
transported
to a world supposed to be seen in technicolor
to a world supposed to be carefree
to a world that never was
In my mother’s arms
asking why he’s never at the house
In my mother’s arms
a river rushing down my cheeks
In my mother’s arms
dialing 9-1-1 in our basement
In my mother’s arms
asking why he didn’t show up again
and again
and again
Lying in my bed
covering my ears to ease the clamor
Lying in my bed
being told how much she loves me
Lying in my bed
raindrops forming a puddle on my pillow
Lying in my bed
a shadow standing beside me
eyebrows furrowed
her mouth moving
her words echoing throughout the house
but every time I hear less and less
as she does it again
and again
and again
Back in my bed
staring at my ceiling
her shouts
now silent.
Back in my bed
staring at my ceiling
thinking back to the times
when he didn’t show up
when he had the chance.
Now I show up for him
the chrysanthemums in my grip watered by my grief
as I search the endless garden before me
of lives
lost
Now I speak to him
unable to garner a response
The man who once stood six feet above me
now lies six feet under me.
Pick it up
put it down
Pick it up again
check
Just one more time
Just one more time
Just one more time
Checking
for you
Dreaming of being brought home again
in your arms
that little girl
longing for her father
cowering at the sight of her mother
waking up to yet another clamorous disagreement
told “the adults are talking” again
was finally able to sleep through the night
ears uncovered
This girl
longing for my father again
he’d started to show up
just before he disappeared
never to return.
This girl
no longer cowering at the sight of my mother
being told how much she loves me again
her mouth still moving
her words still echoing throughout the house
still silent.
This girl
found a home
living in technicolor
living carefree
You’ll always show up, again
and again
and again
Laughs shared,
smiles exchanged, again
and again
and again
as I stared into your ash brown eyes
held in your embrace
the leaves stopped falling
the birds stopped chirping
the clocks stopped ticking
“I love you”
“I love you too”
no questions.
no screaming.
endless bliss
my heart was set ablaze
redwood logs crackling as the fire spread
but they became ash when the clocks started ticking once more
Pick it up
put it down
Pick it up again
check
Just one more time
Just one more time
Just one more time
Pick it up
put it down
Pick it up again
stare
Just one more time
Just one more time
Just one more time
Returning to my mother’s embrace
I witness myself
becoming that little girl again
living in a world deprived of color
picking up the pieces
that they shattered
that she’s been trying to glue back together, again
and again
and again
her mother tries to help
and drops the pieces again
and again
and again
pieces that her father began to weld together
but he didn’t have enough time
that you began to put back together
and realized you not only did not want to fix
but also were not ready to
So I watch myself
pick up the pieces
my charred hands
ripped open once more
as my blood covers them
and the shattered pieces in my grip
Pick them up
put them down
Pick them up again
try
Just one more time
Just one more time
Just one more time
Until my fingertips
no longer appear red, but white
Until my palms
are torn into shreds
my flesh dangling
blood streaming down my arms
as I check
as I stare
As I pick them up again
and again
and again
I remember
you have scars on your hands
you once picked up the pieces
that she shattered
and put them back together again
and again
and again
until you welded the pieces back together
What was once broken
becoming whole again
I reopened your wounds
In trying to stop the birds
I became part of the flock
In trying to put the pieces back together
I covered you in blood
reminding you of when your pieces were broken
Instead of stopping her chirping about “us”
she flew to you and began pecking
breaking apart what you put back together again
and again
and again
Pick it up
put it down
Pick it up again
check. stare.
Just one more time. Just one more time.
Just one more time. Just one more time.
Just one more time. Just one more time.
I picked up my shattered pieces and hastily put them back together
held by the glue and tape of what was once “love”
becoming friendship
but they fell apart again
when I lost you completely.
I’m sorry.
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