Golden

it’s painful
knowing that my fingernail paint chipped
from my attempt to grasp it
grasp my success
a moment of marvelous glory
where I’d shampoo my hair
in golden confetti 
and I could finally step forward
instead of cowering back 
and bask in the golden sunlight
without getting burnt 
but I force myself to turn
getting off the fucking podium
to little ditch that I’ve dug
max occupancy: 1
I barely fit, but I can curl up
wrap my red hands around my knees
and let everyone else smile
and save the sunlight rays and confetti
for better days
or days where they forget I’m around