How to fall apart in an afternoon:

last night 
I dreamt of butterfly wings and 
sandpaper and thunderstorms

last night I woke up when 
the sun fell into itself trying 
to brighten its own heart 

I’ve been trying to become the sun 
for so long that I turned to ash 
because for the sun to shine so bright 
she has to tear herself into tiny pieces 

and its beautiful but it hurts so bad 
and I am so in love with being alive 
that the butterflies in my stomach 
have turned into birds and are trying  
to get out 

I have spent so long pouring every bit 
of beautiful inside me onto bookends 

that I am left with the broken bits that 
want so bad to burn down every city 
and stand in the center of chaos and 
relish the feeling 

I am left with the girl who is 
filled up with rage and heartbreak 
and wants to save the world but also 
wants to break every bone in her body 
just to see if she could survive 

she is a match 
who wants so bad to burn 
and you are the ocean trying so hard 
to save her life 

and I am so exhausted of trying to be beautiful 
but too terrified of what would happen if I stopped 
that all I do is stand here burning away  
hoping that fear is flammable