I'm an expert at knowing

I’m an expert at knowing, my mother tells me I’m wise beyond my years, and she said I’m emotionally intelligent-but she and I both know that’s not true, she’s telling me this so I don’t have to burden her by telling her my problems.

I’m an expert at knowing, I know how to spot fake friends, I know when to stay quiet, and I know when I shouldn’t.

I’m an expert at knowing, I know when somebody wants me gone, and needs me for something.

I thought I was better than the world, I thought that I knew more but that’s not the way it works and I know that now.

I know I should smile more, I know I should go out, I know I should try to at least fake being happy.

I should.

But I won’t. 

I could

But I don’t.

I would,

But I’m not wise beyond my years, I’m not smart with my emotions, and I don’t know how to handle the guilt that’s eating me alive.

I don’t say enough about the things I want to voice. But then I play the victim- saying I have no choice, as if they can see the words inside my head.

Some are proud of the life that they’ve lived; most people don’t even look behind-and I’m guilty. I do look behind, I think to myself, why did I do that? I’m so guilty for everything that I’ve ever done, and I don’t know what to do.

It's all just simply building up the blocks. We build them up, just to knock them down on the ground and watch as they fall.

And it’s funny that we don’t see the tower we had, until it’s gone, then we’re sad we have nothing at all.

I’m an expert at knowing, and I know that this is me. I build myself up, I built myself up so tall, all of my life, just to knock it down with one mistake.

I’m an expert at knowing, and I don’t yet know this, It’s about how we always want to travel further, travel faster, travel far- far away from anything that connects us to reality. But most times, we travel to right where we think we want to be, and then we look back and we long for where we were before- and not where we are.