my mother is a liar

my mother is a liar but it's not her fault 

my mother lies because she reads my texts 
and she knows how i feel
she knows what i am now
a word, a sound
never spoken, always heard, until i spoke it and
all hell broke loose at home 

she lies because she wants to protect me 
all the while hurting me more
because i know she's not proud of me 
my mother has always wanted a different daughter

what she doesn't know 
is how it feels to see her false smile 
when i must treat her insincere embrace
as my safe place 
instead of crying into the pillows 
pretending to believe her words
to think she really is proud
and that what i've done is enough 

i wish she wouldn't lie
because i already know the truth
i know she read what wasn't meant for her eyes
and it changed her words

i wish she would just tell me 
that she never wanted this
she doesn't agree with me
she doesn't like what i do
because it would be so much easier to
end it all with that
being true and living
with the consequences

but sometimes i also wish
that her words would become the truth
and she would see the beauty that i do
without having to sacrifice myself first