Never Just Us

i want to be you.
 i want to unzip myself
 and step into your skin.
 wear your smile like armor.
 speak with your voice
 and not feel it shake.

i want to be you, 
 because being me feels like screaming into a canyon
 and only hearing silence scream back.

i want to walk into a room
 and not count how many people looked away.
 i want to laugh without wondering
 if it’s too loud
 too weird
 too wrong.

i want to be you,
 because you don’t flinch when people love you.
 they just… do.
 like it's easy.
 like it's obvious.

i want that kind of obvious.

because when people look at me,
 i wonder what they see.
 do they even see me?
 or just some girl trying too hard
 to be a shadow?

i take from you
 because it’s the only way i feel real.
 and i know that sounds sick.
 i know it’s wrong.
 but when i wear what you wear,
 when i sound like you,
 when i laugh like you—
 i feel closer to the world
 i was never invited into.

i don’t want to be me.
 me is too much and never enough.
 me is awkward pauses,
 and too many thoughts,
 and not enough courage to say them.

me is standing in the mirror
 and wishing it would crack.
 wishing it would lie.
 wishing it would show someone else.

i want to be you, 
 because you shine
 and i feel like dirt.
 you get poems written about you.
 songs.
 dreams.
 i get apologies.
 pity.
 people forgetting my name.

i want to be you
 because you’re loveable.
 and i don't even know if i’m likable.

i want to be you
 because i am so goddamn
 tired
 of being the second choice.
 or worse—
 no one's choice at all.

i want to be you
 because maybe then
 i could stop pretending i’m okay.
 maybe i could stop shrinking.
 stop hiding.
 stop hating myself
 every time you walk into the room.

because the truth is—
 it’s never just you and me 

 it’s always you...
 and the other girl.
 the quiet one.
 the shadow.

but i’m not you.
 and i never will be.

i’m the echo.
 you’re the voice.
 i’m the silence that follows
 after your name is spoken.

and i don’t know who i am
 outside of wanting to be you.
 and that—
 that’s what scares me most.