nothing nothing nothing nothing

i can't breathe

but i suck it up and move on

i can't let myself shed any tears because what if i'm weak

i have work to do, 

grades come first

grades before everything

thats what my parents always say

i guess i take their words to seriously

but right now it doesn't matter

the only thing that matters is the heritage project

the one i have due tomorrow

the one i haven't even started on

but i can't breathe

my throat tightens and i can feel my eyes begin to water

but i need to suck it up and move on

i can't let myself fall apart when there are other people,

in hospitals or at home

crying or starving themselves

and my job as a human being is to make them feel better

so i can't be sad and i can't be crying

i need to pick myself up and bottle up the feelings that keep melting me down

into that little sad puddle

because i need to be strong for them

and for all of the people out there

they come first,

otherwise I'm selfish.

my head throbs

but i should suck it up and move on 

because tomorrow is my best friend's birthday

can't have another insane fit when its supposed to be her day

i can't ruin it for her 

i can't do that to her

i would be selfish and a terrible friend

but those damn tears keep slipping their way down my burning face

and i feel the disappointment of everyone scraping like knives down my skin

and i feel the weight of the world placed on my shoulders and the world is so

fragile so i can't let it fall otherwise it will break

and then i will have another thing to fix

another thing to piece back together 

so

i won't be selfish.

i put another smile on my face

just so they won't shower me with pity

they always shower me with pity but i don't want them thinking i need it 

because i don't

so i intertwine my fingers and turn my head down for another prayer to God

begging him for the strength to 

be a better person

to be a better daughter

to pass school

to be better

and somehow i'm still the villain in this story.

i am no villian, at least i don't want to be so i won't be

i will be the hero

the sad lonely crying hero

the world spins around me in a gray blur

and i'm writing memories from the day down,

in fear that i won't remember them because i can't remember anything anymore

but i make sure to remember that amelia's birthday is in a few hours

and i'm bringing her brownies to celebrate

and tomorrow is franklin's basketball game and i have to be there

to support him because he should know that i care

and abby is sick, so i need to check in on her in the morning

to make sure i can give her a hug

and i will remember to tell mel that she will do great as cheer captain

because she has been so stressed lately

and i will remember to smile for sydney

so she knows we love her no matter what

but i won't remember how i wore my hair today,

in a week from now.

it all feels like some cruel joke

and i think it's because i'm tired

tht and maybe it's because i am stressed

but i am okay enough to do cheer

because that is one of the few things i actually enjoy right now

but that is the first thing my parents will rip out of my life the second i say 

i'm a wreck

and they aren't helping with anything

i mean, the comments the yelling the anger the unnecessary hate

i don't know if this is even real

someone pinch me,

it feels like some cruel joke.

and i just want some peace.