purple rain

quick little disclaimer: this is a SUPER long story, so if you don't feel like reading all of it, or maybe you don't have 15-30 minutes to spare, i would recommend coming back to it when you do have time or do want to read it. i had a ridiculous amount of time writing it, so i hope you enjoy!!!

love,

~T

She watches the river flow, playing with one of those small flowers we found in the fields by her house. I sit a few yards behind her, peeling the dark, damp bark off a dead tree. She had asked me to accompany her, but she didn't specify what we were doing, and now we sit here in silence and boredom. Frankly, I believe she is quite enjoying the silence and peace, with her four brothers and two sisters, and I don't blame her. Yet, as I sit on the dirty rock, listening to the river, I find myself growing more and more impatient. I roll my eyes and stay silent for a few more minutes. 

"Arizona?" She glances up for a second, her green eyes brimming with what looks like tears. She turns away before I can confirm that they are tears.

"Yes, Theo?" Her soft voice ricochets off the river water.

"What are we doing here?" When I say those few words, the world seems to fall completely silent. I heard her breathe in, but the river stopped its gurgling and the wind stopped whispering. The birds stopped chirping, but only for a second. It was a fleeting moment, gone as fast as it came. 

"For the river." She sighs, tossing the small purple flower into the fast-flowing water. I watch as the flower floats farther down the water, bouncing off rocks. I stare at it until the water takes it under.

"What? Arizona, what do you mean?" I say, louder. My frustration is growing.

She looks up, no more tears in her eyes, but I catch a glimpse of something deeper, an emotion of some sort, but I can't make it out. 

"Did you choose to come?" Her voice is laced with boredom, but still sweet and quiet. I think for a second before nodding. "Then why do you need a reason? You didn't need a reason when I asked you to come with. Why are you in search of one now?" Her question makes me think, but before I can respond, she stands.

"Well, it's getting darker, I am heading back." She flicks her blonde plaited hair over her shoulder. I look at her in confusion.

"Ari, it's only three in the afternoon," I say, but suddenly everything seems a bit darker than before. 

Her face mimics the lighting, and she shoots me an angry glare. "Don't call me Ari." She turns and continues to walk through the darkening trees.

"May I at least walk you home?" I beg, my voice wavering. She doesn't turn to look, but her pointer finger reaches towards her braid and twirls the end of it, which means she is listening.

"If you must." She almost sounds relieved, like she was scared about walking home alone. But I hear the annoyance in her tone, so I ignore the thought.

We walk together to her house, where she invites me in. Her mother is standing in the small kitchen, her hair up in a messy bun. When she sees me standing in the doorway, her face lights up.

"Theodore! How wonderful to see you!" Her voice is like Arizona's, but happier. Her smile lights up her fair face and reaches her eyes. "I'm just finishing supper, please, sit down." She gets back to working on the meal.

I look back at Arizona, whose eyes say I should go. She sits down on the old rocking chair her grandfather gave her for her birthday last year.

"I would love to stay, Mrs. Clark, but my mother wants me home before dark." Mrs. Clark looks up knowingly.

"Very well, but you must stay for dinner soon, alright?" I nod, and she smiles. "Goodbye, Theodore, say hello to your mother for me."

"As always. Goodbye, Arizona," I look in the direction of the rocking chair, but she is no longer there. The chair is slowly rocking, as if she got up recently. I stare for a moment, then realize she probably went to wash up before supper, so I leave. 

On the way out, I stop by the intricate mirror by the front door. I stare wistfully at my reflection. My frizzy, curly brown hair is growing too long again, almost reaching my earlobes. It is damp and dirty from the forest, and my tanned face is smeared with mud. I trace the small scar near my right ear down to my neck. I pull my hand away and turn towards the front door. That scar shouldn't be looked at. I look down at my fingernails, which are caked with mud. My mother will be very upset.

She wants me to be a prestigious college boy, just like my older brother. Samuel is 24 and is studying to become a doctor. When he was my age, he never played in the dirt or got messy, and my mother loved that. She wants me to follow in his footsteps. I want to be like my father, tending a farm and working on houses. I honestly don't know why she married a man like that. They are very different.

When I reach my house, the lights are off and there are no sounds. I get the chills from the silence, but our old cattle dog barks from outside, almost begging to be let in. I turn on the porch light and step inside with a sigh. It looks like my parents are off visiting Sam. They do this often, usually leaving me alone for a couple of days. His school is in Massachusetts, some fancy college called Harvard, but we live in northern Vermont, so it is a ways drive. They most likely took the motor car, because our horses are too old for such a long trip.

I don't eat dinner, because something in my stomach is making me feel terribly sick. I go to my room and go straight to sleep. 

● ● ● ●

I hear a tractor running, and the rain falling on the roof. I feel the large, cold drops falling on my shoulders, and I smell the hay and soil, but I can't see. My head is on something hard, and my face is wet, but I don't think it's water, because it has only been raining for a minute. 

"Someone help!" I hear a sweet voice scream in panic.

"Ari…" I squeak, unable to finish. My head is pounding, and I feel pain in my jaw now.  The dampened feeling on my face is blood, I'm sure of it. The warm liquid is soaking through my shirt now, and the rain is pouring harder. I feel two soft hands grab my arms.

"Theodore, I can't do this. You need to wake up!" She screams. She shakes me lightly, and I groan, my head filling with more pain. "You are so stubborn!" She cries, and I hear small sobs. She tries to pick me up, and I feel my head hit something again, increasing the pain. I hear a soft buzzing in my ears, then everything stops.

● ● ● ●

I wake up, a cold sweat beading on my forehead. I breathe in and out to calm my racing heart as the memories of that rainy day flood my head. I wonder if Arizona is thinking of me. Her face replaces the images of my dream, and I feel instantly calmer, but I shake my head, trying to clear it of the dreams and her smile. 

I hear the dogs barking, waiting to be fed, and I get up to do my normal chores. I feed all the animals and let the dogs into the cattle pen. I decide that today I will visit my grandfather. 

Grandfather William is a medium-sized man with short, proper hair and a well-kept beard. He dresses like he is going to a formal dinner, even if he is just sitting around his house. He says very odd, wise things, and strokes his gray beard with authority. He lives just down the road from my house, so I walk.

I knock on his tall mahogany door and hear his loud voice yelling, "Come in."

Walking into the old man's house is odd. He has odd things lining his walls, pictures of an old lady who I assume is my grandmother, though I've never met her, and other people I don't recognize, paintings of trees, WWI vehicles and guns. His hallways always have fresh flowers and candles, small trinket dishes he doesn't allow us to touch. The rooms are dimly lit, and the main room always has a fire burning brightly. His house usually brings an idea of comfort and safety to my body, but oddly enough, today it feels cold and dark.

When I walk into the main room, the first thing I notice is that the curtains are drawn and the fire is darkening to coals. He is sitting in the large velvet chair by the fireplace, his typewriter in the center of his desk, a crystal glass filled with an amber liquid I can only assume is bourbon in his hand. The dim light from the embers of the fire cast wild shadows across the gray walls. 

"Hello, Grandfather." He glances up at my words, a calm look on his old face.

"Ah, child. Welcome." A small grin hides under his beard.

"Sir, may we talk?" I ask politely. Grandfather William loves politeness.

"Did you hear that the firehouse burned down the other day? Isn't that ironic?" He laughs a hearty laugh and types something. He looks to the ceiling a few times before typing more things.

"Grandfather William, I am in quite a situation." This seems to get his attention, and he looks up.

"What might that be?" He asks. I look down at my hands, my nails still caked with mud.

"It's about a girl." I look up to see his face twisted in a confused, concerned look.

"What a pity youth must be wasted on the young." He mumbles under his breath, and I can barely hear him. "Well, child," He says, recovering." Who is this fine young lady you speak about?" He says, recovering. 

"Arizona. You have met her, Sir." He smiles when I say her name. 

"Ah, Arizona. She is brilliant." I nod.

"Yes, Sir…" I think of what to tell him. About how beautiful she is? Or how amazing it is to spend time with her? Or about how impatient I was with her today? How weird she acted?

"Sit down and tell me about her, son." I follow his instructions and sit down. I tell him how she looks as pretty as a sunset, and how today went, and how mean I was to her, and how much I regret it. I tell him about her weird tone, and I tell him about how all the sound stopped when I asked her that question.

He rubs his beard after I finish talking and takes a long sip from his glass.

"Hm…" He mutters something under his breath, setting the glass down with careful precision. "Theodore, what do you think about the incident earlier?"

I think of his question for a moment. "Grandfather, I would just like to know why it happened. I wish to know what it was."

He laughs, throwing his head back. I sit still in confusion. "The more you know, child, the more you wish you still had such ignorance." His words add to my confusion, and I try to read his expression, but he has gone back to laughing wildly. He stops laughing after a few seconds, then turns his head to me, a grin on his face. 

"Shoo, child. I must continue my work. I do hope you learn to appreciate ignorance and lack of knowledge. And never let go of that Arizona girl, she is very special." 

I do not want to aggravate the old man, so I leave, my bewilderment prominent.

I walk outside, and it's raining. I roll my eyes. Now I have to walk home in the rain. I sigh, thinking of what Grandfather William had said, or what he had meant. The rain pelts my shoulders, and I begin to run. 

When I reach my house, I see my parents' Ford parked in the yard. I run just a bit faster, excited to see them. I stop when I see three suitcases piled up on the front steps. I groan, knowing that can only mean that Samuel has come to visit.

● ● ● ●

I walk inside, and I find I was right. Sam is sitting in my chair at the supper table, his coat hung on the armrest.

"Ah, little brother. I see you couldn't have tried to make a better entrance." He smirks.

"It was raining, and I was at grandfather's house. I had no choice but to walk in the rain." I snap. My mother shoots me a disapproving look.

"Theodore," She says, looking at my brother. "Samuel is going to be staying here for a few weeks. They closed down the college campus. He will take your room, and you will sleep in the hen house." It takes me a few minutes to process that I will be sleeping with the chickens for the next two weeks, but when I figure it out, I snap.

"Mother! Why do I have to suffer from his problems! It's my room! He is a priss; he should sleep in the hen house!" I yell.

"Theodore Callum Benidict! You do not speak to your mother that way, dammit!" My father enters the room, his face demanding and angry. "You will sleep where she tells you to sleep. You understand?" My rage grows with the sound of the rain pounding on the roof. The candlelight flickers, and I look to see my brother, a smirk on his face, fiddling with the flame.

"I refuse," I say, my voice strong. A look of shock crosses Samuel's face. He knows I've always been the quiet one, waiting for him to speak up. But it's my turn.

"Excuse me?" My mother says, annoyance etched onto her face. 

"I am not going to give Samuel my room. I refuse." My father walks over, an angry yet calm expression on his face.

"Son, you get one more chance before I slap the God dammed attitude out of you."

"I ref-" His hand raises, and he slaps me hard enough to make my teeth rattle. I stand tall still, my eyes welling up with tears, but I am not giving up my room to that imbecile. 

"I stand with my decision,  Sir. Samuel can sleep on the sofa." He slaps me again, but with less force. I can feel my cheek burning and stinging. I see Sam walking towards me, a sly look on his face.

"No, little brother. The eldest gets the room. Understand?" He smiles a sick smile.

"Ha, you wish. It's my room." This time, it's not my father slapping me; it's Sam. Before his hand reaches my face, I reach out and grab his wrist, punching him in the gut with my other arm. "Sam, I've grown, I'm older and stronger now, and you might have realized that if you used that 'smart' brain of yours." He doubles over after I let go of his wrist, and I look towards my mother, whose eyes are scared and concerned. 

"So, I'm headed to my room," I say, walking away with confidence and a sore fist. 

I walk into my room and flop onto my bed. I look at the ceiling that I painted with Arizona. The background is a purple-ish gray, with different-sized white speckles all over. Her goal was to make it look like the night sky, and she succeeded, sort of. It looks more like a gray surface with white and blue paint splatters. I still love it. 

I touch my already bruising cheek, regretting the conversation already. I did want to keep my room, and I wanted to avoid sleeping in the hen house, but a black eye and a sore cheek? Not worth it, at least, not to me. 

I am attempting to rub the pain out of it when I hear a light "tap tap tap" on my window. I sit up rapidly, my heart racing from the sudden sound. I move the curtain on the window aside, revealing the golden light of the sun setting outside, paired with a familiar face. 

"Arizona?" I say, my brain flipping through the reasons she would be here. I open my window, and she hops through the opening, pushing past me. 

"The sun is so dark right now, don't you think?" I look at her in awe and confusion, and I wonder how a girl so beautiful and amazing could be so mysterious. The sunlight filtering through the window casts a soft golden glow on her face, and in the illumination, I see a purplish-yellow spot over her left eye. It kind of looks like mine….

"Is that a bruise?" I reach out to touch it, but she slaps my hand away.

"Yes, now leave it alone." She turns her face so I can't see it anymore. "We are going on an adventure. C'mon." I tilt my head. 

"An adventure?" I question her. What kind of adventure would we be going on this close to supper? She smiles a small smile and shakes her head.

"Yes, you dummy. Now, let's go!" She seems happier than usual, and that makes me happy. 

"But-" Before I can finish my thought, she pulls me out the window, and we go crashing down on the grass outside my bedroom. After I get up, she is somehow already down the road, looking back to make sure I'm following. I race after her, sprinting. I look up at the sky once as I'm running, and see the clouds have dispersed, and the sun is inching closer to the horizon. 

I practically run into Arizona, as she has stopped, her face turned toward the sky.

"Look at that, Theo!" I look up, only seeing the clouds.

"What? Look at what?" She turns to me and laughs.

"Do you see the way the clouds are… just wow." She breathes a sigh that sounds like happiness, and I look up. The cottonball clouds, laced with gold, took my breath away. We stand there a second, in the middle of the road, staring up at the fading clouds. Soon enough, she tugs at my arm again, and we are back on our way. 

I am thinking of why we are here when she stops again. I look to my left, and I see… trees. The sky is getting darker now, the clouds turning a dark purple. I turn to my right, and I see… more trees. 

"Where are we?" She looks at me and smiles with a sly look in her eyes.

"We are here. That is all that matters." She whispers, and then her eyes light up. "I hear the river! C'mon!" She races off into the trees on my left, and I roll my eyes, following her. We reach a small clearing, and the same purple flowers from her house are scattered around in the moss. There are a few rocks set up in a kind of circular way, so there are 4 smaller rocks surrounding one large, flat rock. There is an intricate glass vase with wildflowers set in the center of the big table-like rock. 

"Seriously, what is this place?" I watch her walk over to the rock table, and she traces a finger on the edge, a soft smile curling her lips. 

"Just a hideout." She looks up for a second, then walks over to the side of the river, motioning me over. "Come, there are fish." This excites me, and I rush over to sit beside her.

We spend a while staring at the small, white minnows in the crystal clear water. I watch as they dart around the small pebbles, the ripples and waves in the water mesmerizing me. At some point, Arizona grabs my hand, holding onto it softly, and I quite enjoy it. Sitting in silence with her is like a daydream, something real, yet so out of reach. The water flows over the rocks, and I look towards her.

Her eyes are glittering, and she is using the pointer finger on her free hand to twirl her curly blonde hair. Her skin looks like it is glowing, the evening light through the tall trees casting beautiful shadows across her face. She turns towards me and smiles.

I make a decision, my heart racing as I put my free hand behind her head, gently. Her eyes glint with four different emotions: fear, excitement, happiness, and something else I can't place. I take a deep breath and I… kiss her. 

Before I can change my mind, I make the move. I am kissing Arizona Margarett Clark. Her lips are soft, and all I can think about are her eyes. For a second, I swear, she kisses me back.

As soon as it began, it ends. She slips out of my gentle grasp, and now she has tears in those pretty, green eyes. I stand up, worried. She bites her lip and turns away, the bruise on her eye disturbing me.

"W-we should go. It's getting dark." She moves the way we came, out of the clearing. I get up too quickly and knock into the table-rock, and it shudders. I watch in horror as the glass vase comes crashing down to the forest floor, shattering on impact. I bend down, trying to figure out how to fix it, but I can no longer see or hear Arizona, so I simply pick up a lone purple flower and chase after her. 

I see her standing at the edge of the road, her face turned towards the dusk sky, which is now filling with dark, angry clouds. Before I can say anything, she turns around and picks the flower out of my hand, spinning it between two of her fingers.

"I… can't…" She mutters something under her breath, and I see her disappear. No, she flickers. Like the flame of a candle in a light wind. Her form flickers, as if she is simply made out of fog, but I assume I am hallucinating because she is back, and I am touching her hand.

"No, Theo, we must go. You're parents are worried." She says, her usually soft voice harsh and matter-of-factly.

"Who gave you this?" I say, touching a single finger to the bruised area around her left eye. 

"It doesn't matter, Theo-" She tries, and I cut her off.

"I never want anyone to hurt you…" My voice is dreamy, but she slaps my hand away.

"Theo! Hush!" Her voice is hurt and angry. "We must go." And Arizona starts to sprint.

"Arizona-" I start, but she is already yards away. I begin to run after her, but my chest is closing up, and it's starting to rain. I stop, breathing heavily. When I begin again, she is nowhere to be seen, and the sky seems to be crying. I look down at my feet, and I see the flower I saved for her, on the ground, the petals scattered around like the flower itself was shattered. I run faster now, the pain in my chest growing with my need to find her. 

I reach her house in a matter of minutes and see her silhouette at the door, her dad standing in the frame, his face angry. He raises his hand, and she flinches. I yell. She doesn't turn, but her fist clenches, and somehow I know she heard me over his yelling and the rain. He hits her, and rage consumes me. 

I start to run towards her house, and the rain is pouring harder. She meets me halfway and puts a hand to my chest, holding me away from her. 

"No, Theo. I must go now. I… won't come back." She looks down, a red handprint forming on her face and tears clouding her eyes.

"What?" I practically scream, but I lower my voice when she flinches. "Ari… why?" She looks up and smiles, reaching her shaking hand towards my face. She traces her finger over my scar.

"Trust me, you will know. Soon." She promises, her hair dripping wet from the pouring rain. A type of fog is crowding around us now. 

"Arizona… I don't understand." She laughs. 

"I know, I know, Theodore." Then, Arizona begins to cry. "I won't be back." And then, she kisses me once, then walks into the rain. I watch her until her silhouette disappears into the distance. I feel a warm tear slide down my face, practically burning my numb skin. I turn away, my hands turning blue and numb from the chilling rain, and I sprint home. 

For the next few weeks, I feel ill. Seriously ill. It takes all of my strength to even eat. My mother thinks it is from the rain, but I know that it is because Arizona is gone. All my life, when Arizona went on vacation with her family, I always felt ill. I normally feel better after she gets back, but I have a feeling she wasn't lying when she said she wouldn't be back this time. 

Every night, I go to bed feeling worse than before, and I dream of her. Every time I dream, she is sitting by the river we went to right before she left. The vase has been replaced and is filled with the purple flowers and baby's breath. She sits and tosses petals into the river. After she tosses the last petal, she looks straight at me. "Come find me." She whispers, then her form flickers and turns into a wisp of smoke. I wake in a cold sweat every single time. 

Today, I wake in the same cold sweat as usual, still feeling very weak and sick, but I decide that I will try to find her. I will. I get dressed and look in the small mirror on my wall.

My face is pale, my blue eyes bloodshot, and my left eye has a healing bruise from the encounter with Samuel and my father. My curly hair is in tangles and is now down to my chin. My scar is red, almost like it has been reopened and is healing for a second time. I somehow managed to put my shirt on backwards and inside out. I fix it, and I am on my way. 

My first stop is the first river, the one where the silence consumed me. When I reach the little area, I notice the usually bare ground is covered in millions of purple flowers, and I mean, COVERED. Every inch of the ground is dressed in the beautiful flowers, and they seem to sparkle and flicker in the light like a candle flame. I walk over to the tree I peeled bark off of, and I see a slip of burned, yellowed paper stuck on some sap. I race over to it, trying my best not to crush the flower carpet on the forest floor. I open the note, my heart racing.

Trust me, I never wanted to leave like this. You must forgive me. You mean the world to me, Theo, but it was getting to be too much. I have been in pain ever since… the accident. We almost lost you. I was so scared, and every time you called me "Ari" after that, I broke a little more. I was getting impatient, you see. I couldn't stay. Please find the parts of me I left behind, and never forget me.

Sincerely,

~A

I stand there, in confusion, shock, and a million other emotions racing through my head. My hands are shaking. What got to be "too much?" And why couldn't she stay? What was breaking her? I am fine. Fine. Completely. 

My brain seems to disagree as it brings back the memories of that painful, treacherous night.

● ● ● ●

Arizona and I are watching the rain pour down from the hood of the tractor. 

"Wanna start it?" I ask. She shakes her head no, but I plug the key into the ignition anyway.

"Theo, someone is bound to get hurt." She begs.

"Ari, it'll be fine. Nothing wrong will happen. Hop into the seat, you can drive." She seems to think this is a terrible idea, because fear is etched onto her face, but she takes the seat anyway. Her hands are shaking as I climb up onto the top of the green tractor. 

"Theodore, please, get down!" She whimpers. "I know someone is going to get hurt."

"Arizona, please, it'll be fine." I roll my eyes. "Nothing is going to happen." She either decides that I am right or that she doesn't want to fight me, because she puts her foot on the gas. A little too hard. The tractor jerks forward and takes off. We are traveling at the speed of light, and life is a dream. This feeling only happens "once in a blue moon," as my grandfather would say. It is amazing. The rain is pouring harder now, and the field is slick. All of a sudden, I see a huge, gray thing popping out of the muddy grass. A rock, I assume, but I have no time to react before we slam into it. 

I am thrown off the tractor, headfirst. I see Arizona for a split second, a terrified look on her face, before I slam headfirst onto the hard, wet feeling of something very, very rough. I don't feel pain at first, I really don't feel anything. But soon, I reach my hand up and touch my face, which has a warm liquid on it. I pull my hand away and see something red, but my eyesight is foggy, and soon, everything turns black. I hear a tractor running, and the rain falling on the roof. I feel the large, cold drops falling on my shoulders, and I smell the hay and soil, but I can't see. My head is on something hard, and my face is wet, but I don't think it's water, because it is warm. 

"Someone help!" I hear a sweet voice scream in panic.

"Ari…" I squeak, unable to finish. My head is pounding, and I feel pain in my jaw now.  The dampened feeling on my face is blood, I'm sure of it. The warm liquid is soaking through my shirt now, and the rain is pouring harder. I feel two soft hands grab my arms.

"Theodore, I can't do this. You need to wake up!" She screams, pain on the edges of her voice. She shakes me lightly, and I groan, my head filling with more pain. "You are so stubborn!" She cries, and I hear small sobs. She tries to pick me up, and I feel my head hit something again, increasing the pain. I hear a soft buzzing in my ears, then everything stops.

● ● ● ●

I trace the scar, remembering now how it came to be. Arizona thought it was all her fault, and now I understand why she thought that. Honestly, it was more my fault than it was hers, but I can still hear the pain in her voice. I start to feel less ill, and I realize I have to go to the field where it happened, to see what she left there. 

When I reach the field, I ride the same tractor out to the painful spot, and I find the rock I hit my head on. Tucked underneath it is another one of the yellowed pieces of paper. I pick it up and read it.

I believe that the afterlife is real. I think it is something between life and death, another chance at previous mistakes. I hope in the afterlife I get to see you again. Don't worry, I'm not dead or dying, just not fully there. Theodore, oh, how I wish it didn't have to be this hard, honestly. But I needed to leave. Everything was wrong, so wrong. You saw. He does that quite often. But that isn't where I got the bruise. I didn't hit it; it just showed up. Before I went to your window.

Sincerely,

~A

I reach my hand up to the bruise on my eye. Something odd is happening here. I also feel my rage growing, the hate for her dad forming into some evil monster, a monster that wants to kill him, at least. But I hold it in. I will figure out the monster later.

I decide that lastly, I must go to the mysterious clearing by the other river, the one with the rock table. I have a feeling something will be there.

Even though my strength is growing, I find that I cannot run without being unable to breathe. When I reach the part in the road where we stopped and looked at the sky, I find myself doing the same thing I did that day, staring straight up, causing my neck to hurt. The sun is in the middle of the sky, and I assume it is about two in the afternoon. The clouds vary from big, puffy rain clouds to wispy, transparent ones. The sunlight shines through them beautifully.

After staring at the beautifully boring sky, I head off into the trees. It takes me a few tries, but I finally find the clearing. The vase is fixed and filled with flowers, just as my dream showed. What my dream didn't show was the lack of color in the small clearing. It looked like everything was dying; the color drained from the trees, the water, the flowers. It's almost as if Arizona's disappearance affected this place, too.

I look around, a sort of ache filling me as I see the pained and withering trees. I try to look for the piece of paper, but she has hidden it well this time. I find it underneath the vase. It reads:

Ah, Theodore. You are quite smart if you found this one. I think I hid it in perfectly plain sight. Makes me wonder how some could miss it. 

Leaving was such sweet sorrow, sweet because I could escape the paper life we seem to have built here, but sorrowful because I had to leave you behind. Sometimes, Theodore, the world seems just a bit too big, and I couldn't handle that in our small town. So I left. I left the pain and the sorrow and the illness and the death behind, and moved into the future. I have found that my absence has left you feeling ill, and you must forgive me for that. I know that once you forgive and let go, the feeling of never-ending sickness will dissipate, and you shall never feel that again, unless you so choose to. Please, Theo, please move on. I really wasn't important enough for the pain I know you are feeling. It will go away soon. 

I don't regret the kiss, but I do regret not making it last just a bit longer. 

When I hit that rock, I felt all of your pain. Theo, I feel everything you feel. Emotions, pain, everything. I hope you can now understand why I left. 

I love you, Theodore. And I love you as I love myself, and I left so I couldn't hurt either of us.

Please forgive me,

~A

I look around, and everything feels empty and lost, the trees and the sky still drained of their color.

I know what I must do. I walk over to the vase of flowers, taking the biggest, healthiest-looking one. I spin the thing in my hands, creating a purple blur. I take each petal off carefully, tossing it into the river and watching as each one floats off into the distance. With each petal tossed, I feel the illness being lifted, the trees gaining their color again. I feel something tugging at my gut. Lastly, I toss the stem into the river, and I watch as it drifts away.

A stray tear slips down my face because all of a sudden, I can feel the world moving around me while I stay still. I feel every emotion ever felt. All the pain, happiness, anger, embarrassment. And oh, the love. I know it is love, because it is all of the emotions in one, a beautiful and painful feeling. It leaves my skin singing and my stomach fluttering. And I see her face. Everywhere. 

I stand, and know that somehow, everything will be alright, even without the beautiful Arizona Margarette Clark.

So sorry for such a long story, but i loved writing this story so much and came across it the other day. my first thought was "oh! this would be amazing to share with YWP!" so thank you to those who stayed and read the whole thing. i would love your feedback on this, and don't hold back. 

love,

~T