Small

Small

When I feel small
I wonder about the stars
The planets
The trees
And the bigger things.

I've been told it's a good thing,
To feel small
But when I feel small, I feel weak
Powerless
Annoying
I feel like nothing and everything combined into one

I wish feeling small were something to accomplish,
Something to feel good about,
Something that would earn me an award.
But feeling small is just a thought, a whisper no one but I can hear

The things that make me feel small are things that I love
Sports, school, writing
Boys, friends, parents
Nature, the sky.

Why do these things-these people-make me feel this way
I wish I could enjoy these things without feeling so helpless, 
But "Life is life," they all say
Like saying those words will change something for me

The hallways of this place echo something of nostalgia
The trees whisper something of the hope I had, 
Before I felt small

These people I call my loved ones,
They tear me apart when I needed them the most
I have someone now, who I hope will never ruin the peace I have built
But everyone I love has abandoned me when I was on the floor,

Small is the way I feel when I look into his eyes
The way I felt when his voice got angry
The way I felt when she said those few, hurtful words
Or the way I felt when I saw her cry for the first and last time

I'm afraid
"Afraid? Of what?" They all ask
I'm afraid
Afraid of losing everyone I love
Afraid of being small
Afraid of someone telling me 
How worthless I am

I am not supposed to feel small
I am not supposed to feel this way at all
I am supposed to be strong and helpful
I am supposed to be a good person
But what am I really?

Because all of these "supposed to be's" are messing with my head
I ruin myself, 
Tearing myself into pieces
To fit into a frame that is too big
Too big for all the things I'm not
Yet too small for all the things I am supposed to be

When all I feel is
Small