Chapter One
One day, long ago a young maiden was walking through the forest. She was listening to the birds, who were trilling their lovely songs.
She considered the bridgeless brook off to her left. The waters whispered and gurgled almost gleefully, begging her to take off her socks, roll up her pants, and wade in. The waters were rather cold, but there was something about the temperature that made the feeling quite pleasant. Suddenly, 2,000 goblins charged out of the forest, trying to capture her, but she had a taser.
”Back, back!” she cried, and she brandished the taser, calling out, “This is on the ‘completely annihilated’ setting!” Suddenly the goblins vanished, smoke curling from the place they had stood like fog in the valley. She was confused, the last time she had been threatened by goblins, they had not disappeared, in a strange and possibly magical fog.
“Right. So,” she said, considering the valley. “Maybe… they were just rightly wary of my taser?”
“I doubt that,” said a voice from behind her. And there stood Taser Face, Guardian of Sandwiches.
A rare sighting - Taser Face!
She turned to face him, a glower playing on her face. “What do you want, Taser Guardian?”
“I just happened to be having a craving for my favorite tuna sandwich this morning, I was just about to get it,” he said, then looked amused. “They did not leave because of the taser, they left because that fog was not normal.”
“Oh yes, right, so that fog was what, a posse of wandering souls?”
“Don’t speak so disrespectfully! Wandering souls can be sensitive, you know.”
“Maybe so, but you didn’t answer the question, Taser Person.”
“Irrelevant! Irrelevant! For your crimes, you are banished to the chipmunk dimension! Then the Pacem Ghost will decide your fate.
Stunned, the young maiden stood, mouth open, one hand raised to her forehead - wait, no, that could mean she hit her head with her taser - taser raised and pointing at Taser Face, as she cried, “I refuse this sentence!”
“You think it is so easy!” Taser Face glowered. “Unfortunately you are just a scared little girl and the chipmunks are far more powerful than you.”
There was a strong wind, and then all she could see were the vague colors of the trees, and then all of a sudden everything went dark. And then there were chipmunks: just so many chipmunks. There were chipmunks in her hair, on her feet, on her shoulders.
“So this is it, isn’t it? I’m to sit here in this eternal dimension, whiling away the rest of time as these chipmunks claw away at my hair and my dignity. What a cruel fate!”
The maiden tried to kick some of the chipmunks off of her, but there were far too many chipmunks to make any progress that wasn’t undone in the next moment. Then, a ghost appeared, and said, “You have committed a crime against sandwiches by questioning Taser Face! Yet you shall not stay in the chipmunk dimension, for you did not loiter or conspire with The Burdock.”
The maiden’s spirits rose, and she said, “And so how might I leave this place?”
The ghost turned to her, a mischievous smile on their face, “That, my dear, is up to you!” Then the ghost vanished. She sighed, ugg, she thought. How did I even get into this mess?
At that point, a man she was pretty sure was King Arthur stood in front of her. He had the crown and the cape, anyhow. He gave an imperious harrumph. “What is this inconceivable, apathetic vulgarity! It is beyond me, the kind of witless filth-mongering tomfooleries of the peasants they allow within my domain these days!”
“Care to repeat that in English?”
“I did! Take this teleporter hat and go to the land of sandwiches! There you will be able to get revenge on Taser Face.”
The hat was shaped like a loaf of bread, and equally as mold-spotted. Carefully the maiden took the hat in her hands. She looked it over, disgust plain on her freckled face.
“Are you sure this teleports? It just looks… moldy.”
“Oh, ho! So suddenly you’re the queen of teleporting hats, hm? Are you? I think I would know more than you, you simple-minded peasant.”
“Yeah, yeah, how does this thing work? I don’t see an obvious ‘Push me to teleport’ button.”
“Ask it politely.”
She did, and the hat suddenly grew a mouth and said, “GREETINGS HUMAN PERSON!”
“I-- I thought you were supposed to help me transport out of the chipmunk dimension, back to my homeland,” she stammered, striving for politeness so she didn’t offend the rather offensive hat.
The hat somehow managed an expression that looked very much like an imperious glare. “BE QUIET HUMAN PERSON, LET ME DO MY JOB.”
“Ok?” she said, confused, and waited. The hat suddenly started growing, it got bigger and bigger and was soon the size of a small person. “Turn around,” the hat said. The young maiden did so and when she turned back around there was a large, sparkly unicorn standing in its place.
“Well?” said the hat-icorn. “Going to climb on or what?
The maiden shook her head in equal parts horror and amazement. “I have witnessed the breaking of so many laws of science over the past few minutes alone,” she muttered under her breath as she climbed on.
“Well prepare for more to be witnessed. I have excellent hearing. Now come on, I don’t have all day, human.”
The hat-icorn opened a magic portal, then jumped through it.
Chapter Two
As the young maiden held tightly onto the unicorn’s mane, she thought--I’ve done it! I’m returning--and yet, the smells, the light, and the land were unfamiliar.
The spell may not have been familiar but they were certainly pleasant. An aroma of freshly baked bread, roses, and birch wood hung heavily in the air. She sucked the smells in and realized how hungry she was. She had not eaten in what felt like a whole year. Okay, maybe not that long, but still, a long time.
She looked around once more. “Care to tell me where we are? And maybe where we can get some food?”
The unicorn considered for a moment. “Nope! Bye, have a nice life!”
The maiden watched puzzledly as the hat-unicorn opened another portal, and then trotted inside before the portal closed in front of her. “Now what am I going to do?” Suddenly, she realized that a nearby rock was really a sandwich and so was a tree. Even the ground was a large piece of bread. “This must be the land of sandwiches,” she said.
Now ravenous, she dropped to her knees and began to stuff a piece of the rock sandwich into her mouth, but it tasted like the bottom of a well that had been abandoned for an eon. She spat it out and looked around her, hoping for evidence of another food source.
She saw nothing.
“So this is the land of thousand-year-old sandwiches?” she asked with an incredulous smirk.
“Excuse you, some people enjoy their food saturated with tasteful mold! Haven’t you ever tried blue cheese?” came a voice from above.
She looked up, and saw a rather strange sight:
And there, hovering 50 feet above the ground, was Laser Face! She knew that Laser Face was ridiculously more dangerous than his second cousin once removed, Taser Face, and she would have to be wily to escape this encounter successfully.
“Laser face!” she said, her voice cracking. “It’s lovely to see you. Oh wait… look at that!” she pointed behind Laser Face in an animated fashion.
Laser face turned around and saw a coconut tree. He smiled; he loved coconuts. “Ah, young maiden,” he said with a sly expression on his face. “It is indeed lovely to see you. You seem lithe and able-bodied; perhaps you would be willing to fetch me a coconut from yonder tree?”
“I suppose that wouldn’t be too much to ask,” she said, backing away in the direction of the tree and hurriedly grabbing hold of the largest coconut she could find. Despite all her heaving and yanking, however, it would not come free of its branch. She glanced around, looking for something that could help her retrieve a coconut, and found a nearby axe. She lifted it up, and when she was about to bring it down on the branch, a small clementine-colored creature popped out of it.
It said, “I am the clementine Lorax, I speak for the trees, one swing of that axe, and I’ll break your knees. If you want a coconut, find one on a farm. The trees can’t be harmed if the Lorax is armed!” He reached into a backpack and pulled out a pair of nunchucks.
She dropped to her knees, and considering how she might disarm this petite yet loud creature, she said, “I throw myself on your mercy, honorable clementine Lorax, but I implore you, may I preserve my life and have a coconut?”
The Lorax scoffed, “Pitiful human, you do not comprehend what one coconut can mean in the end. I wait and I watch and it’s finally my day. I do not intend for you to be getting away.”
The young maiden looked at the Lorax. Perhaps, she thought, he would be more convinced if I spoke in rhyming dialogue myself.
“Clemetine Lorax, you of all creatures must understand, that the ways of nature are clear at hand. People need trees for many things including food, and trust me, I would not harm one just because I was in the mood!”
“Well, well well,” said Laser Face as he walked over to the Lorax. “Didn’t I tell you to not go around hiding in my coconut tree, George?” Laser Face grabbed the head of the Lorax and ripped a mask off, revealing a small dragon in a costume.
“You ruined it!” said the dragon, who disappeared 3.75 seconds later, leaving behind a banana with an angry face on it.
“I know why you are here,” said Laser Face. “Taser Face is over there, behind that sandwich, but to pass you must defeat me in a rap battle.”
The young maiden was, well, let’s be honest, she was flummoxed, flabbergasted, and befuddled, for these creatures seemed determined to battle, though she didn’t know what kind of a weapon a “rap” was.
Laser Face turned his icy glare upon the maiden, “I shall begin.” He snapped his fingers and suddenly out of nowhere, appeared a large microphone patterned with sandwiches.
“I’m Laser Face and I’m ready to fight.
“I’m a super sandwich face god and I’m always right.
“You can never cross me, ‘cause I always prevail
“And when I win this battle you won’t live to tell the tale.”
“My name is Alice, I came from Earth.
“I have no idea what's going on, but I do feel the strange… mirth.
“I don’t know how to rap very well, but we’ll see how this goes.
“If you don’t let me go, I’ll hit you with … a hose!”
Laser Face snorted, clearly unimpressed by her efforts.
“It sure seems that you don’t know a verse from a hook,
“So if you wanna win, just take a page from my book.
“‘Cause I’m flyin’ so smooth, a rap god with a groove,
“And when a storm hits like this, you best know how to move.”
Alice was getting into the flow now. She happily continued her rap.
“I know for a fact that a storm is coming,
“But with me here you best start running.
“As confused as I am with this bizarre situation,
“When I’m done with you, you’re gonna want an explanation.”
Laser face stepped back, astonished that he had been beaten. 38.2 seconds later, he exploded into sandwiches.
Chapter Three
The young maiden danced in a circle, for she had triumphed over Laser Face with this most startling of weapons--her words.
Suddenly Taser Face stepped out from behind the large sandwich that the newly deceased Laser Face had pointed to,
“YOUNG MAIDEN!” Taser Face’s voice boomed like a thousand cannons.
“What?” she said, very annoyed. She was wondering if she would ever get to go home or if she would have to stay here the rest of her days, starving and rapping against a ridiculous god who lived in a world full of sandwiches. “Look, clearly I won the rap battle, and I would love to just go home. I didn’t mean to kill him - I don’t even know how the rules of this world work!”
Taser Face stared at her for a long time, face cold and unreadable. Finally, he started laughing. Alice watched in confusion, until finally he straightened up and composed himself again. “Oh man, I’m never letting Laser Face hear the end of this when he gets resurrected next full moon—beaten by some random mortal—this is the best thing I’ve ever witnessed! Despite the crimes you’ve committed against sandwiches, I suppose you’ve proven yourself worthy. Perhaps a pardon is in order.”
Alice had a very puzzled expression on her face as she tried to comprehend whatever it was that she just heard.
“Thanks… I think? Can I go back home now before I get transported to some other plane of existence which features, oh, I don’t know, fun-size billboards? Those things are all over the place these days.”
“Fine,” said Taser Face, “but first, defeat the 2,000 goblins.” Taser Face handed Alice a chainsaw. “And remember, chainsaws solve any problem,” he said, as the DOOM soundtrack started playing.
“But, but I was so triumphant with rap,” Alice said, stalling as she thought.
Eventually, something came to her. “I’m ready,” she said to Taser Face, and as she spoke 2,000 goblins appeared all standing below the large coconut tree that the Clementine Lorax had spoken for. She yelled a vicious battle cry and, using the chainsaw, chopped the tree cleanly at the base. She ran around screaming her head off as the tree came following down on them but at the last minute she danced to the side (she was a very avid dancer) and only her foot was under the tree, for you may be confused, but the tree had in fact crushed the goblins.
“So that happened,” she said, looking at all the unconscious - but not dead! - goblins and extracting her foot from beneath the tree. “Can I please, please go now?”
“The goblins are not dead.” Laser Face sounded very disappointed.
“But they are defeated, for certain,” Alice pointed out.
“But they are not dead. You can never trust yourself with dead goblins lying around. They always try to stab you in the back when you least expect it.”
Taser face waited for a second and then spoke, in a voice that echoed through the entire dimension:
“FINISH THEM.”
“I will,” she declared., “with a rap just for ending goblins.”
She took a deep breath.
“Yo, it’s me, I’m Alice and I’m ready to kill.
Leaving Goblins in the dust with my endless skill.
I’m a super singing maiden and I goddamn guarantee
That you goblins and you faces… YOU SHOULD ALL BE SCARED OF ME!” she ended with a flourish.
She curtsied. Smiling and looking slightly intimidating, “Beat that!!” she said, pointing her finger in their faces.
The goblins all lay eerily still, before vanishing into puffs of smoke as they had before. “Victory is mine!” Alice exclaimed.
“Well done,” said Taser Face. “But what about George The Dragon?”
As the dragon was mentioned, George materialized a few meters away from Taser Face and Alice. Alice was shocked. “Really? I’m not going to kill everyone in the land of sandwiches for you! In fact, I never got revenge on you for sending me here, I think I will now.” Alice teleported behind taser face and said, “お前はもう死んでいる.”
Taser face said “Nani?” and exploded.
“I-- I’ve vanquished my foes,” said Alice, so relieved. “Now I just need to get home. Wait, wait! I-- I can teleport.” She closed her eyes, clicked her heels three times, and said, “There’s no place like home.”
The sky turned blue, then gray, then red, and then there was a bright flash of bright white light. All of a sudden, Alice was back home in the place this whole misadventure had started.
Alice sighed, relieved. The brook flowed over the rocks with the same gentle melody it had when she was here last. She began to remove her socks and shoes, delighted to be home again. But before she would allow herself to be completely relieved, she looked up at the trees once more, just to check that everything was as it should be.
“Really?” she said. “Again?”
The end.
For now.
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