Sun

Usually the sun induces my smile 

An infectious click that erases the bad feelings of outgoing anxiety 

But today 

The Sun felt numb 

I lay my head back in the bus seat and close my eyes

I feel you burning a bright fire daring me to open my eyes 

I am unable to 

“Don’t worry Sophie, it’s only a couple months, winter is short,”

The sun will come out again and you won’t feel so 

So 

Empty anymore 

And so I wait

I wait and I wait as the days become longer and I become impatient 

Growing fond of the hours I spent running barefoot in the withered dry grass 

Becoming so angry with myself for not getting up 

Owning up 

Waking up 

So much hatred toward myself for turning into a weak frail person 

But sun will come and I will be okay again

Although I’ve never felt so gone before 

Invisible by my own life 

Taken aback from my own words 

devastated by people I used to stand by 

I’m just so tired, 

My dad tells me that I sound like an old person because children are not supposed to know what worn out feels like 

Maybe he is right 

But I don’t know if he knows that I feel mentally exhausted and my brain feels as if it’s been decompartmentalized and torn apart 

I feel like I want to hide 

bury my head under the blankets so no one can worry for me 

And I hope that sun will peek into my window and tell me I can do it 

wake me up from this blinding sadness and invoke me to smile again 

Lately I’ve been feeling like my mouth is glued shut and my eyes are pried open 

It feels like so much work to say goodbye to someone

 to have a person ask you if you are okay and not being able to give them a proper answer 

If feels easier to shut everyone out 

I don’t know whether I can blame the sun know or if I’m just a bad person 

Is this just anxiety anymore or am I depressed? 

Please come back 

I need the sun to gleam at me because I haven’t let anyone smile at me since I shut myself off

Maybe if I just find something new to occupy my time I will be okay enough to be my old self

But running through life makes me feel bored as soon as I break tension from my every day activities 

for now I will just wait for the sun to come out.